Heroes Anonymous
by Backroads
Summary: Various angsty heroes of many stories struggle with their problems. But what happens when their counselor Gandalf suggests quest therapy? Chaos and OoCness abound!
1. A questing we will go!

_Disclaimer: This story was written by my roommate and I at periods of time on the darker side of 2 AM. Therefore we cannot be held responsible for anything. We admit that this is most definitly not our best writing, but oh well, we don't dare change anything._

_We also do not own the following:_

_Harry Potter_

_Star Wars_

_Lord of the Rings_

_Animorphs_

_Ender's Game & Ender's Shadow_

_Treasure Island_

_The Wheel of Time_

_The Chronicles of Narnia_

_The Never-Ending Story_

_The Last Unicorn_

_Men in Black_

_And anything else that might appear..._

* * *

"Hello, my name is Harry Potter."

"Hello, Harry," chanted the rest of the group.

Gandalf smiled and nodded at Harry. "Now, Harry, why don't you tell us how your problem began."

Harry sighed dramatically. "Well…" he said with another sigh. "It all began on a dark and stormy night, when there was a big motorcycle flying through the air—"

Gandalf groaned. "Harry, we've been over this before. Many times. Like we've been over it with everyone. For the love of all that is good, keep it short. We're trying to help you through your problems, not remind you of them." _Sadly, I don't think this therapy is working out the way I thought it would._

The rest of the Heroes Anonymous group sighed. Being heroes, they liked to talk about their miserable lives—mostly about them.

Harry looked ready to burst into tears. "Okay, sorry. I know my life isn't important to you. But it's important to be, dang it! Basically, it's all because I'm an orphan, and I have to save the world, and no one loves me and I have no real family—"

Luke Skywalker started to sob. "I hear ya, man! No one understands!"

"Shut up, Luke!" Jake yelled. "At least you have a biological father!"

"Don't you?" Ender Wiggen asked curiously.

Jake shrugged. "Do such details matter?"

"Now, guys," Gandalf said. "Let's get back on topic. Harry here is trying to share with us all his pain."

Ender snickered. "You have no idea what pain is! None of you do! I'll show you real pain!" He jumped up from his folding chair, ready to duel.

"Back to Harry," Gandalf said stiffly. "We were concentrating on Harry. It's Harry's turn."

"It's always Harry's turn!" Susan cried. "What about my pain? I was so ignored!"

Gandalf passed Harry the tissues, praying the kid wouldn't attack anyone. "It's okay, son. Let it all out."

"What about me?" Susan, again.

"Susan, we talked about you last week. It's Harry's turn."

Susan sniffed, picked up her backpack, and walked outside to the vending machine to buy herself some comforting chocolate. Unfortunately, Rand Al'thor had already purchased the last Snickers.

Harry sniffled and blew his nose. "I'm sick and tired of being prophesied to defeat the Dark Lord. It's such a big responsibility. I'm only a little boy."

Ender rolled his eyes. "For crying out loud, you're almost sixteen! When I was half that age, I had already genocided an entire culture of aliens!"

"I hear ya, man!" Luke. Again.

Gandalf raised his hand. "Folks, can we concentrate on the meeting? Please?" This really wasn't working. "Now, Harry, continue."

But Harry didn't want to continue. "No. I'm sick and tired of having to do what everyone expects me to do while they just forget about me and all that I have to do!"

"Fine, Harry. We'll wait till next week. Who wants to go next?"

Everyone raised theirs hands. Except for Susan, who was still crying at the candy machine.

"Okay, Ender," Gandalf said as cheerfully as he could. "Since you seem to be the hostile one and Frodo has already retreated into a corner, you can go next."

Frodo muttered something from the corner, where he was rocking back and forth in fetal position.

Ender stood up in the most dignified manner he could summon. "Well, to begin with, I was unwanted child. Well, I was wanted by my family, but unwanted by a hostile futuristic society, and so I was born specifically to fight aliens. My mother sent me away at age six. I only saw she and the family on and off since then, and I was too old by then to care. I killed three boys and an entire nation of aliens. On accident. My soul has been blackened by despair, and I must purge it by decrying evil in the form of cheap eulogies." At which point he sat back down and smiled. Wickedly.

"Is that all?" Jim Hawkins whined. "Are we done yet?"

Gandalf clenched his teeth. "Yes, just about. Just hang on."

"Do you want to go swimming, Jim?" Edmund grinned. "In… water?"

Jim screamed like a little school girl and jumped onto his seat.

Suddenly Gandalf became… huge. And loud. And storm clouds filled the room. "I had it!" he screamed. "Next week, your therapy will be a quest! Because I'm sick of listening to you guys whine! And this will be good for you!"

All the heroes moaned in pain and staggered slowly out the door, groaning at the wickedness of the wizard.

"White wizard, my ass," Frodo muttered.

Susan continued to cry over the lost Snickers.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the pizza parlor, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were holding hands, gazing into one another's eyes with mutual fondness. Mat, Perin, and the Wonder Girls were discussing the movie they had just watched while munching on deep-dish pizza.

"Weren't you just shocked when that evil witch came out of the water?" Han Solo asked, bursting into their conversation.

Egwene nodded, amazed all over again. "Yeah… and she was so… huge! And scary! I thought the little mermaid would perish!"

Hermione smiled. "Love conquered all," then pushed Ron down on the bench and kissed him.

Bean came from the shoot-a-hoop game, breathless and clutching a huge teddy bear, which he gave to Lucy. "Lucy, I won this just for you!"

Lucy squealed happily.

Samwise Gamgee looked impressed. "I need to get one of those for my wife. Bean, do you think you can teach me some tricks with the hoop?"

At which point Bean started explaining, in very technical terms, how to put the basketball through the hoop every time.

Sam nodded and continued to smile, though he was clearly very confused.

Legolas said something in elfin and whooshed his long blonde hair. All the females sighed.

"Man, I wish I had a way with women like Legolas does," said Gimli.

"How do you think the others are doing in therapy?" Mat asked. "They haven't hung out with us in a while."

"I'm sure they're fine," Marco said. "They're heroes, they'll make it."

* * *

One week later…

"No!" Rand, Jake, Harry, Luke, Susan, Edmund, Ender, Frodo, and Jim screamed in unison. All they had found, upon arriving at the usual group therapy meeting place, was a map and a note on the board in Elvish runes.

"Frodo?" Rand called. "Can you read this?"

Frodo pulled out his handy-dandy pocket guide to elvish. _"In order to win the treasure hunt—"_

"Yay!" cried Jim.

"—_You must gather the following items:_

_1. A cat._

_2. A hat._

_3. A princess (preferably blonde, luscious, and locked in a tower and/or dungeon.)_

_4. Bunnies._

_5. Five golden rings._

_6. A weapon to defeat an evil villain._

_7. The ultimate piece of classic literature._

_8. A half-eaten McDonald's hamburger with no ketchup locked in a Sketcher's shoebox at the top of the tallest tower in the city. Consult map if confused or lost._

_9. Help one old woman across the street._

_10. Plant a tree. It's Arbor Day._

_11. Kill Little Red Riding Hood's wolf._

_12. The One Ring._

At which point Frodo swooned into a faint.

Jake blinked. "Okay… Well, that doesn't sound too hard. Somebody grab Frodo and let's go."

Luke and Rand both started forward, stopped, and glared at each other.

"I wanna do it!" Luke shouted.

"No!" screamed Rand. "You're not strong enough! I'm the boss! I'm the oldest one here! Except for Frodo, but he's a wimp anyways. It's my job!"

Luke pulled out his light saber. "Wanna bet? I can make him lighter."

Yoda strolled past the open door on the way to the group therapy session he headed. "Beware the dark side, for destroy you it will."

Luke swore and threw his light saber across the room.

At which point Yoda chuckled and wandered off.

"I never get to kill anybody worth killing" Luke cried. "It's so hard to be the one to bring balance to the force." At which point he staggered over to where his light saber lay, picked it up, and clipped it to his belt.

"Can we go already?" Ender asked impatiently. "We could be spreading Galactic peace right now, but no! Some people are just too selfish to do the right thing immediately. They need a freakin' list!"

"And some people are just so self-righteous that they died with out me." Susan whined. "And I am hungry. The machine all week has been out of candy; Rand just has to have everything, doesn't he?"

Harry quickly hid his Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans behind his back.

"Lets go already," Jake and Jim said in unison. Jake demonstrated it by turning into a hawk and flying into a closed window.

"Luke, get the hawk." Rand picked up his sword and walked out, forgetting Frodo. The others followed Luke, who was carrying Jake the Hawk.

"Let's see," Rand said as soon as they were out of the community affairs building. "What should we do first?"

The heroes all kind of looked at each other.

"Which is the hardest thing?" asked Ender.

"The hamburger," Jim replied. "It sounds all detailed. So it's probably harder."

As that was excellent logic, everyone agreed. Now all they had to do was find the tallest building in the city. Fortunately for them, Gandalf had marked the building with a big red X.

"X marks the spot," Edmund said in a very lame joke.

"Arrrg," growled Jim. "That's not funny. I had… bad experiences on that island."

Susan giggled.

"It's not funny!"

"Yeah, it is. Everyone agrees with me, right?"

Everyone else nodded enthusiastically.

They walked up to the building. It was big. And tall. And its street number was 999.

Edmund and Susan screamed bloody murder. "That's the Devil's number upside down! It goes against all blatantly Christian symbolism book series!"

Jake and Harry rolled their eyes and strolled in, followed by the others. Rand finally had to drag the two siblings in.

A man sat reading his newspaper across from a giant fan. He didn't even look up as the group entered.

"We need to get to the top of this building," Luke said.

The man grumbled something. "To throw that hawk off?"

"No. There's a hamburger in a box up there!"

"Sure there is. Should I call the people in the white coats and tell them you want a ride?"

Rand sighed. "No, we're on a mission! We need to get up there! The voices tell me to!"

The man frowned. "You know, you're not helping your case."

So Susan threw herself flirtatiously at the man. "Please, sir! We really need to get up there."

The man pulled out a communication device. "J, I think you should really get down here. I think you should see these people."

The heroes smiled. Finally, they were getting somewhere.

A man in a black suit walked out of the elevator. The elevator that hadn't been there before. He frowned when he saw the group. "Who the hell are you?"

"We're to retrieve a hamburger," Ender said. "From the top of your building. Gandalf sent us. And I'll strangle you if you don't help us!"

"Well, that's not very nice. What are they teaching you kids in school these days? Obviously not manners."

"They teach us some things," Harry protested. "I can do, you know, math and stuff."

The man in the suit winked at the newspaper guy. "Sure. Come on, guys, it's time to leave."

"No, we can't!" Jim cried. "We have to get the hamburger!"

"I said, it's time to leave. And you can get that hawk out of here as well."

Luke said, "You will take us to the top floor," while waving his hand like an idiot in front of the man's face.

The man laughed. "You know, I think I just might… not. Because Jedi mind tricks do not work on me, because Jedis do not exist. They are simply figments of your imagination combined with gas reflecting from the light of Venus. What are you, geek fest?"

"You idiot, Luke," Rand muttered.

"Here," said the man. "Let me show you my mind trick." He pulled out a silver stick. "Now I want all of you to just look at the little red light…"

* * *

_**To Be Continued...**_


	2. I'm sorry, but your empress isn't here

_We apologize ahead of time for any wrongness in this._

_Emily (Miss Piratess) and Tracee (her roommate)_

* * *

Meanwhile, the janitor walked down the hall of the community center with his bucket and mop, whistling a Billy Joel song. It was seven o'clock, and the hero's room needed cleaning. As usual; it was always messy after all the blood that was shed each week.

The janitor jumped when he saw something move in the corner. "Ugh…." It was Frodo Baggins.

The janitor blinked. The meeting was long over. What was Frodo doing here? Was he homeless? Great, all he needed was another vagrant to be slopping up all the social welfare. He dipped the mop into the bucket and swung the dirty, soapy water all over the hobbit. "Hey, Frodo! Wake up!"

No response. He gave the hobbit a kick. Again, no response.

Maybe he was dead. The janitor ran to find Yoda. When they returned, Frodo was still lying in the same fetal position.

"I just found him like this," the janitor said. "He was just lying here, motionless."

Yoda nodded. "Wake him, I will." He waved his hand over Frodo's face. "Awake, you will."

No response.

"Do this the hard way if I must I will!"

No response.

"Feel no regret, I will." At which point, he kicked him.

No response.

"Stupid fat hobbit!" Yoda squealed.

Frodo's eyes fluttered open. "Hey, no fair saying mean things when I'm asleep! Say them to my face, you wrinkly old grey guy!"

Yoda snorted and stalked off. "Fine. I care not if miss your quest you do."

Frodo sat up and looked around. All he saw was a highly confused janitor. His fellow therapy patients were nowhere to be seen. Then he heard a clunking in the hall that sounded rather ominous. Upon going to check it out, he found the group walking back in with blank looks upon their faces.

"Are we back already?" Jake said (who was no longer a hawk.) "I just remember going out the window… They really need to fix that window, it's a bit short. Hey, janitor guy, can you do that?"

The janitor mumbled something about not getting paid enough and left the room.

"So," said Frodo. "Did you guys get everything?"

"How did you beat us back here?" asked Edmund. "That's not fair!"

"Luke forgot him," Rand accused. "Stupid airhead."

"So… Frodo wasn't with us?" Edmund frowned. "Then how did we read the list?"

"Good question." Ender said.

Frodo sighed. "So where are the items?"

"What items?"

"The ones on the list!"

Susan swore. "Men! They never read lists!"

Frodo pulled out the list. "Oh! I had it! Where's the cat?"

The other heroes looked at each other.

"Uh," said Harry. "I guess we didn't get anything done." He gasped. "I've accomplished nothing!"

"Where have you been, then?" Frodo was weary of his group mates. If he had been on the quest…

"We don't remember," admitted Ender.

"Well, let's go through the list and attempt to gather the items so Gandalf won't yell when he returns. I hate it when he yells."

Frodo pulled out his guide and began to write down the list in English so that the rest of the characters could understand it. He made four copies of it and folded up the elvish one and placed it in his pocket.

"Here, lets all look at the list and decide where to start first. I actually would suggest going through it from the beginning to the end, or from hardest to easiest." Frodo said.

"Well, I think I know where we can get a cat and a hat at the same time, as well as the literature." Rand said. "'Cause I can read."

"Ooh, aren't you special," sneered Ender.

Luke snickered.

"Why of course" said Rand, "I am the Dragon Reborn, I am the ultimate hero, I fight for the Creator. Which is a much greater cause than what the rest of you have."

The rest rolled their eyes; they had been through all of this before. There was no point in arguing. They knew they were right and Rand was wrong.

"Off to library," Edmund cried in his mock triumphant voice.

It was a short trip next door. The city library was a happy place full of small children in reading groups. And kind old ladies doing family history research. Jake, of course, felt the need to morph into a rhinoceros and charge through the large, oak double doors. Debris was strewn everywhere.

A brown sister hissed. "Hush, this is a library, not a monster truck rally."

The rhino hung his head in shame.

"I sensed Yeerks" ake said sheepishly when he returned to his normal form.

Emily the angsty college student threw a book at him.

He picked it up and gasped. "Guys look at this: its two things in one." Jake held up the _Cat in the Hat_ by Dr. Suess. He looked remarkably like Indiana Jones as he did so.

Susan swooned. "Oh, Jake! You're so smart!"

"But it was my idea," Rand said, wishing he were as good around girls as Mat and Perrin.

Jim patted Rand consolingly on the back. "Nobody cares."

Then Jim fell asleep in the entrance way, embedding a sliver in his hand.

"Now to find the literature," Ender said. He kicked Jim but Jim was sleeping soundly. Ender decided to let him be. "We can grab him on the way out, I guess."

Frodo frowned; no one remembered him when he was unconscious.

They strolled over to talk to the librarian, Verin.

"What is the greatest, most important piece of classic literature ever written?" Luke asked, trying to be dashing.

"I would say it was_...Ethan_ _Frome._" She handed them her own personal tattered copy. "I especially like the ending where they are alive but horribly mangled for life. Such inspiration." Verin smiled.

"Thanks, I will cherish it for the rest of my life," Ender said sarcastically.

"Lets show this to Yoda, I think he would know if this is the right book." Susan suggested.

So after waking Jim, they returned to visit with Master Yoda.

"Crap this is, but the _Cat in the Hat_ will work for the first two. Get a different classic book," Yoda said.

"What do you think Gandalf would like?" Harry asked.

"Almost anything but this. And please, nothing by J. K. Rowling."

So the heroes continued on their quest.

* * *

Meanwhile, the sidekicks were having their weekly golfing trip. Hermione, of course, was all over Ron. The rest of the girls were hanging on Legolas' every word. Gimli and Bean where trying to attract attention. But there where no hard feelings. There were always castoffs.

Mat swung at the golf ball, trying for a hole in one in order to win his game against Han. He succeeded. "Being Ta'veren has its advantages!"

Perrin tried duplicate Mat's move and missed, but a wolf wandered by and put the ball in the hole for him anyway. Legolas groaned. "Not fair."

The girls nodded in agreement.

The pounding of hooves echoed across the green, and a Unicorn pranced under the rainbow that the automatic sprinklers had created. She reared, then raced into the dark woods as butterflies flew into the air.

Hermione kissed Ron. The other girls sighed.

"The unicorn is not nearly so handsome as you are, Legolas," Lucy said.

Bean sighed. Someday she would realize that Legolas was a player and not nearly good enough for a queen of Narnia, unlike Bean, who was a genius. He decided to ask Sam for tips on girls.

"Hey, has anyone seen Neville?" Nynaeve asked.

"Nope," replied Egwene.

"Must have wandered off again," Elayne said.

Aveindha and Min nodded in agreement. "I wonder how Rand is doing?" Aveinda said.

Gimli made an off-color joke about polygamy. Rand's girls laughed.

* * *

The Heroes stood outside of the tall, spooky tower in the park. "I have heard that a Childlike Empress lives here," Luke said. "Do you think an Empress will qualify?"

Jake coughed. "It's a playground toy. And she probably has a Yeerk in her brain anyway."

Everybody else shrugged; it was good enough.

"Empress, Empress, let down your long hair," Jim called out. "Dang, I've always wanted to do that."

Cindy Lou Who peeked out of her Big Toys window. "My hair is short and I am not an Empress! Go away, you creeps!"

"You're not an Empress?" Luke said in shock.

"I am sorry, but your Empress is in another castle," The little Whogirl said. "That's where you want to go." She pointed straight at a tall black castle surrounded by a lava moat and a water moat. A dragon was lounging behind a white picket fence which surrounded the castle.

Jake turned into a hawk to make a closer inspection. The picket fence was made of bones as was the toothpick the dragon was using.

"Seems safe," he told them after returning and becoming human again.

Ender shrugged he had seen worse in a video game.

"Well, then," said Rand, once again taking the lead. They strolled past the happy sandbox and teeter totter to the castle of death and doom.

Luke stared at the magma boiling in the first moat. "Daddy…" he whispered.

Everyone stared.

"Daddy?" Ender echoed. "Listen, Luke. Your daddy doesn't care! Mine didn't! That's why he shipped me off!"

"My father is dead!" Luke cried, falling to his knees. "I'm sorry, I can't go past the lava!"

"Loser," Rand said. "Come on, let's go."

Susan lost all respect she had previously held for Luke.

The dragon lifted his deadly snout to snarl at them, but the sneer quickly turned into a smile as he saw Frodo. "Hey!" he said. "You're Bilbo Baggin's nephew, ain't you?"

Frodo sighed. Why did he always have to be known as Bilbo Baggin's nephew? Did he not have his own identity? And two books more than his uncle? "Yes, I'm Frodo."

"Drogo, yeah," said Smaug the Dragon. "I heard about that. Well, I'm supposed to eat you, but your uncle was a good guy, even though I did want to eat him, so I'll let you guys go ahead. Have a good day, Fred."

"Frodo!" Frodo screamed. "It's Frodo!"

The Heroes passed Smaug and prepared to cross the water moat. Luke was still having a nervous breakdown by the lava.

Jim stared at the water… Water was bad… bad things happened on the water… All the times he had had a gun pressed to his head…

Susan and Edmund exchanged grins, then pushed Jim into the water.

The water was all of one and a half feet deep, but Jim thought he was drowning. "I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!" he wailed, splashing furiously.

"Luke!" Rand called back to the idiot Jedi panicking a few yards back. "Use the Force, please."

"Why do I always have to do everything around here?" Luke called back. "Can't you see I'm having a nervous breakdown? And you guys just ditched me! Make Harry do that Winged sardines levitating…thing."

Everyone looked at Harry.

"No," he said. "Rand, why don't you use that One Power you're always talking about?"

"Because the voices tell me not to," Rand growled. "Jake, turn into a dolphin or something and rescue him."

Jake gave a dejected laugh. "A dolphin in a moat? That's just stupid."

Everyone had to agree to that, even Jim.

Ender shrugged and waved bye to Jim. "We'll be back for you later. Stand up. It's not that deep."

Jim failed to do so.

"The castle gate is down!" Ender screamed. "Hurry! Let's go!"

"It's always down," Smaug tried to tell them.

But he was ignored as the heroes, minus Luke and Jim, charged forth screaming nonsense into the castle waving invisible banners. Mostly because Edmund and Susan insisted it was a very Narnian thing to do. Frodo, being short, was trampled.

Inside the castle was a large, winding staircase of molding and cracked stone. Our Heroes charged up the stairs, save for Frodo who, having short legs and had just been trampled, who just sort of managed to climb up, and Susan, who took the elevator.

At the top of the castle Susan found a girl about her age, but not as pretty and queenly. She was but a Childlike Empress. Not a gorgeous fox like Susan. Well, Jake would still love her, then.

"Hello," said the Childlike Empress. "Would you like some tea?"

Ten minutes after the tea was finished, the men managed to drag themselves up the stairs. Frodo was long gone.

"I think he fell back down the stairs," Rand said apologetically. "Harry refused to use his magic."

Harry threw up his hands. "Fine! Just blame Harry! If the Dark Lord is still running about, it's Harry's fault! If Rand takes everything from the vending machine, it's Harry fault! Harry, Harry, Harry!"

They all looked at Harry sympathetically.

"We're sorry," said Ender, though he didn't seem sorry. "You're just an easy target."

"It's because I have a disfiguring scar, isn't it?"

"Frodo has a scar," Jake pointed out.

"It's not a scar, moron," said Ender. "It's a missing finger." He winked at the Childlike Empress. "Hey… what's your name?"

"You have to give me one, of course," the Childlike Empress replied. "I don't have one."

"Rumplestiltskin!" Edmund shouted!

His sister smacked him. "Wrong fairy tale and wrong gender! How about… Levina?"

"NO!" cried the Childlike Empress in horror. "How about Dorcas after the chick from _Seven Brides For Seven Brothers_? Wow, but I love that movie."

They all nodded in agreement. No point in fighting the Childlike Empress. She was too pretty to argue with. But not as pretty as Susan, as Susan herself would point out.

"Dorcas it is, then," said Jake. "Let's go, Dorcas."

Everyone giggled.

"What's so funny?" Dorcas asked.

"Oh, this is just way too easy," Susan said, trying to hide the truth. It worked.

The trip back to the community center was, for the most part, uneventful. Except for having to forcefully drag Jim from the water. Just before they returned to the community center, they were crossing at a crosswalk when a large semi-tanker carrying gas and other combustibles came screeching like lightning across the intersection at a dangerously high speed. Just when they thought they would all die, the truck went right over their heads and into the nearest building: the library.

Everyone turned to Luke as the library burst into flames and small children and kind old ladies screamed.

"What?" Luke whined.

"What did you do that for?" Harry yelled. "Now we have to go save them!"

"Not necessarily," said Ender. "Gandalf has been trying to free us from the compulsive need to rescue those even when we do not have the ability to."

"No!" Harry tried to run to the library. "I—must—save—them—" But he was restrained by Rand.

"It's not worth it, Potter," Rand said.

Harry burst into tears.

Dorcas looked bored. "Are we done yet?"

They entered the community center where Yoda was waiting and watching Dorcas with more than mild interest.

"Hey, Yoda," said Luke. "Can you baby-sit our princess while we go finish Gandalf's list?"

Yoda looked Dorcas up and down. "Sure."

"I'm Dorcas," Dorcas extended her hand for Yoda to kiss. Which he did, slobbering all over her hand.

"Beautiful, you are," Yoda said. "Like party games, do you? Twister, I have."

"I love Twister! Play we will!" She waved the Heroes off and slammed the door.

Everyone stared at the door. They were all very disturbed.

"Yoda is making out with the Childlike Empress!" Ender said, looking ill.

Rand whistled. "Go Yoda."

"What does 'making out' mean?" Jim asked innocently.

"We'll tell you when you're older," said Jake, shaking his head.

"I never had a girlfriend," Frodo said sadly.

"What about Sam?" Luke asked.

Frodo looked confused. "He had a girlfriend, and then he married her! Why are you asking?"

"I just thought… never mind."

"So," said Susan. "What's next?"

"I think we should go after the hamburger…"

* * *

An hour later, they returned to find Yoda playing Monopoly with Dorcas.

"I thought you guys were playing Twister," Rand said with a grin, nudging Luke.

"Yeah," said Luke. "Twister."

"Boring, Twister was," said Yoda. "Now Boardwalk I own."

"Weren't you going to get the hamburger?" Dorcas asked.

The group exchanged glances.

"I guess we haven't done that yet," Jim said. "Or at least I don't remember."

"Leave that to the end you should," Yoda said wisely.

"I just read a book called "Little Red Riding Hood", the Childlike Empress Dorcas said. "You should go slay the wolf!"

That sounded like a very heroic act, one to accompany rescuing a princess. So they set off toward the Forbidden Forest at a grueling pace. Frodo gave up and took the bus this time.

* * *

_Will our Heroes slay Red Riding Hood's wolf? What were Dorcas and Yoda REALLY doing? Where is the hell is Neville? And why do we care? These questions and more will be answered in the next really bad installment!_

Thanks to all of the folks who actually read (and amazingly enough, enjoyed) this story. (We think you have issues if you enjoy this, but you are appreciated none the less. D)

Amieken

Callisto Green

Frosty Pickle Juice

Holly

Hydraspit

The Missinglink

xPussyWillowKittenx


	3. Bad day in Harryland

_We mean no offense by this chapter. So we apologize ahead of time if any is taken. But again, we mean no offense at all; it just seemed to be what we needed._

_Emily and Tracee_

* * *

Frodo arrived ahead of the rest of the party. He waited for them, watching the children play on the lawn in front of the forest, wishing that he, too, was married to a wonderful woman and had many children, like Sam.

A strange-looking man approached Frodo. At first Frodo thought him to be a drug-dealer. So he began to think of ways he could defeat this evil man. He had survived the Ring, so he could definitely handle this.

"Hey are you Frodo?" the man asked.

"Yes," Frodo replied. Finally, someone who recognized his greatness.

"Man, the way you defeated Gollum in that cave and those Trolls! Wow! You're strong."

"Uh… That was Bilbo."

"Oh, yeah! I remember! You're the Ring-bearer. The one who almost failed."

Frodo nodded, considering it was enough. "Would you like an autograph?"

"Nah, just the presence of your company is enough for me," the man said. "Name's Wayne. So how is your boy Sam doing?"

"Oh, he's happily married with thirteen kids."

"Congratulations," the man said, and began to shake Frodo's hand.

"Um… I said Sam was married, not me."

"So you two didn't…."

The others finally arrived, running to where Frodo was seated.

"Well, if Sam didn't appreciate you I will. How would you feel about a date?"

"With who?" Frodo looked to see if Wayne had a sister nearby.

"Me, of course, silly."

Frodo was confused.

Just then his friends finally were close enough to see what was happening.

"Leave the hobbit alone, fairy." Luke said in a very jerky and mean way.

"You're a fairy?" Frodo asked.

"Yes" replied Wayne.

"You don't look like one; where are your wings?" Frodo asked.

"Frodo, you idiot." Ender said. "Not that kind of fairy."

"There is another kind?" Frodo asked.

"Yes, Wayne… is gay."

"Huh? He is happy. Good for him."

"No, He likes you Frodo, Like you like girls."

"What do you mean likes me… " Frodo gasped at the realization. "Oh!"

Wayne blew him a kiss. "So since you and Sam are no longer an Item, I was wondering if you are available."

"He is with me," Susan put an arm around the hobbit and then proceeded to French him.

Frodo was confused but happy. Someone loved him.

Wayne shrugged. "Well, if you're going to be like that, give me all your money." He pulled out a revolver.

The heroes paid out.

Wayne ran off to find a McDonalds; he had finally scrounged up enough cash for a Big Mac. The heroes were left bewildered.

Once he was out of sight, Susan pushed Frodo to the ground. "I prefer real men, like Jake," she growled. At which point Jake decided it was time to scout. "Don't think I will always bail you out. It's your own fault everyone thinks you're gay."

"And it's Luke's fault he kissed his sister," Rand said.

"Oh, shut up, this coming from the guy who is, for all intents and purposes, married to his to his mother's step-daughter," Luke snapped.

"That's different" Rand said. "We are not blood related, AT ALL!"

"How do you know?" Ender said.

Susan snickered.

"Its possible," Jake said. "We have two members that are related that are different species."

"Let's move on guys; it's starting to get late," Edmund said.

Jim nodded in agreement. He had slept through most of the discussion since arriving and had just re-awoken.

"The gate to the woods is up there next to the Golf Course," Harry said. "I bet we can get Hagrid to let us in if he knows our mission."

The heroes traveled the short distance to Hagrid's guard shack.

"Hagrid!" Harry whined. "We need to get into the forest on Gandalf's orders. Can you unlock the gate."

"Well, Harry, le,me check with the old man 'imself." Hagrid pulled out a tiny pink cell phone.

Ender nudged Jim and mouthed "it's pink". Jim snickered.

Susan scowled. "I like pink and so does Edmund. Besides, I also like Hagrid so be nice."

Hagrid of course, was to busy getting his phone to work.

"Gandalf, yeah, I got some runts 'dre who think they need t' go into the forest on a mission or quest er whatever. D'ya want me t' let 'em in… Uhhuh…yeah, alright, I'll tell 'em." Hagrid hung up the phone.

Rand and Luke scowled, "Runts." They shook their heads in amazement, Frodo of course was used to it by now.

"The enswer is no, Gandalf says if ya wan' in, do it yerself. Besides. I'm off-duty right now, an' don't give a crap 'bout what happens to yer quest," Hagrid said, and promptly sent them on their way.

The heroes slumped away sadly.

"Hey, there's no fence," Edmund said. He walked over to the forest next to a light pole. "Look I am on one side, I am on the other side, now I am in and now I am not," He sang while jumping across the non-existent forest border.

" I wouldn't do that… " Harry said. "Bad things happen when you go into the woods."

"Like what?" Edmund asked, mocking Harry's caution.

"Like getting transported into magical dimensions, meeting wrinkly green men, and being chased by spiders. Really Forbidden Forests are foreboding for a reason."

"That only happens when you go through closests," Edmund said. At which point the boy charged into the woods yelling "Naaaaarniaaaah!" at the top of his lungs. Frodo followed promptly screaming "For the SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE" Rand shrugged and duplicated the act. The rest walked in quietly. Jim started humming "fifteen men on a dead mans chest…" Susan shivered as she walked in and Harry tentatively followed her.

After a few minutes in the old creepy noisy woods, when the group had finally calmed and quieted, they heard a rustling nearby. A bush shook violently, and they all took aim with their weapons. Susan pointed her bow at the bush, Harry his wand, Ender and Jim their guns, Jake became a Boar, and Frodo pulled out sting, Edmund and Rand their sword, and Luke his Lightsaber.

"The wolf. Ready everybody?" Rand said. He held up three fingers. One two three. "Fire!"

They all charged or fired at the bush but only Harry's wand found the mark.

A moment later, a Unicorn staggered blindly out of the bushes, blood foaming from her mouth as she gasped for her final breath.

"No!" Harry cried. "I didn't mean to."

The Unicorn fell with heavy thud and several final twitches. And the forest began to rapidly die around them. Heavy silence fell over the group.

"Oops," Rand said. "Sorry, false alarm."

"False alarm, I killed a Unicorn!" Harry sobbed. "I may as well find a rock, tie it to my legs, and jump into a river."

Frodo curled up into the fetal position and began to suck his thumb.

Susan wept loudly. Edmund, however, drowned her out with his own weeping. "Now Aslan won't let us into Narnia now."

"He wouldn't let me back in, anyway," muttered Susan.

"You fools!" A prince came running out of the trees. "She was the Last! I, Prince Lear, shall vanquish you fools for this mistake! You have killed my girlfriend!"

Everyone pointed at Harry. "His fault," they said almost in unison.

"I have been stalking her for weeks now. Would that I had not taken a potty break, for this would not have happened." The prince sighed. "You must die, Harry Potter."

"Would you toy with a wizard" Susan asked. Lear looked at Harry in disbelief.

"Him, A wizard?"

"Yes, I am a wizard," Harry said, pretending like he was Dumbledore. He knew what Susan was trying to do.

"Then, wizard, I will find you when I have found a wizard champion to face you. Till then, you murderer!" Prince Lear leapt away dashingly.

There was a slurping noise. They all looked at the Unicorn. Voldemort was siphoning the Unicorn's blood with a hose into a bottle in a brown paper bag.

"What?" he asked. "An evil wizard's gotta right to live to you know."

Jim ran up to him and kicked him in the shin.

"Fine, I'll leave then. Say, Harry, you sure you don't want to be a Death Eater? It's not just any wizard who can kill a Unicorn in just one shot."

"Let me join!" Ender shouted.

"Me too!" said Edmund.

"We don't accept Muggles," Voldemort stated flatly. "Although for Ender we might make an exception. Oh, well."

Edmund murmured about being an outcast and unliked even by the bad guys.

Harry scowled at all three of them. Voldemort took one look at Harry and decided it was time to run. "Till next time, Potter!" And then he disappeared.

Harry stared at the now-decomposing Unicorn and moaned. Susan was now glaring at him.

"What about the wolf?" asked Luke.

Frodo kicked the unicorn. "Won't this work?"

"No," said Rand. "Gandalf specifically asked for a wolf. And you never know how those high fantasy wizard gurus will act when you kill a mystical beast."

Harry fell to the ground, once again sobbing. Ender just laughed. "The Unicorn had to die. Say, why doesn't Jake turn into a wolf and we'll kill him…"

"No," said Jake. "Gandalf asked for Red Riding Hood's wolf, you stupid. And she's up there."

He pointed up the path, where the forest was not yet dying, to where a cute little girl about the age of seven stood above the dead body of a wolf. Indeed, her hood was red, but it seemed to be mostly from blood.

She glared at the heroes as they approached. "What? You boys wanna walk me home, too? Huh?" She jabbed her knife towards them.

Ender laughed again. She was kinda cute.

"Hey," said Susan. "Can we have that wolf?"

Little Red Riding Hood looked at Susan, then at the wolf. "How much will ya give me?"

"But Wayne stole all our money," Frodo whined.

"We can always give her Harry," Jim said.

Harry gasped in horror. "No thank-you."

"What?" said Red Riding Hood. "I ain't cute enough for ya?"

"No," replied Harry. "Just not worthy of such greatness."

Unfortunately Red Riding Hood was still wielding the knife. But she didn't attack, only sighed. "Tell ya what. Any of ya got any jewelry?"

Everyone stared at Jim.

"What?" he asked.

"Come on, we all you know stole crap from the treasure," Rand said.

Jim sighed and pulled a tiara out from under his hat and tossed it at Red Riding Hood's feet.

"Yay!" She skipped away.

"A tiara, huh?" said Jake, smirking.

Ender laughed.

"Shut up," said Jim. "It was all I could get."

"Sure," smirked Edmund. "When I was ruling Narnia, I wore tiaras all the time."

The sarcasm was evident, until Susan nodded enthusiastically. "He really did!"

Edmund sighed, regretting he had spoken. "Let's just take this all back to Yoda. And we can stop at the bookstore on the way."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch where Yoda's fear group was having their late-night meeting for the benefit of Mr. Jonathan Harker, who had been having nightmares since that fateful trip to Transylvania and had recently spent his family fortune on nightlights. Yoda felt that spending a night with a group in the dark would be good for him. Besides, it gave him an opportunity to buy those nifty glow sticks.

"For your comments, Jonathan, thank you," Yoda said as Jonathan rejoined the group, who were currently making s'mores. "Neville Longbottom, would you like to go next?"

The other group members smiled encouragingly at Neville, who shyly climbed to his feet. "Sure, I guess. Let's see, what I'm afraid of. Well, I know I should be afraid of the fact that I was once part of the prophesy to defeat the Dark Lord and there is a big chance that opportunity may still fall upon me and result in my horrible death, but that's not it. Ever since I came to Hogwarts, I've had this teacher. This horrible, evil, mean teacher who isn't nice. He scares me so bad that I can't even do anything right anymore! People think I'm a squib, and I'm not! I just get the shakes every time I see Professor Snape, and I can't concentrate. I know I could do so well if it weren't for him…"

Yoda nodded. "Arrange a student/teacher conference, we will! Come to some sort of agreement, yes. Professor Snape in one of my other therapy groups I have. Bad case of jealousy, that one. But meet we will. Feelings share. With this idea how are you?"

Neville stared hard at Yoda, summoning all the bravery he could. "I'm not afraid," he squeaked.

"You will be."

* * *

That same night, our heroes staggered into the community center with a dead, rigormortis wolf and a copy of _The Grapes of Wrath._

"Yoda!" Edmund called. "Where are you?"

There was no one.

So they left the stuff in the classroom and went home for the night, promising to reunite the following morning at precisely 8: 26 AM.

Frodo found the fear group at the ranch and spent the night with them, where he was mercilessly teased for being homeless.

* * *

SHOUT OUTS!

Alia Kenobi: Sorry about that. But your reply did make us laugh.

amieken: I think your theory about Yoda and Dorcas is very likely.

Frosty Pickle Juice: Well, it okay to have issues! Thanks!

Hollia: Schmendrick will definitely have to make an appearance.

hydraspit: Thanks! It's okay to be nerdy, we are.

Krenya: Yes, I the Dorcas/Yoda thing is very disturbing. But prove that something happened!

Lady Meriadoc: Wow! Thanks for agreeing with us about "Ethan Frome."

Lori: Aren't you the creative writing major? Thanks so much!

v-babe24: You are not allowed to talk like Yoda! _Does rod n' reel _But you are allowed to do that.


	4. The group splits up

The next morning, it was a quarter past ten and Frodo still had not returned.

Edmund, being hungry after Susan wouldn't let him eat breakfast, went to the vending machine, only to see Rand purchasing the last Turkish Delight. Angry, Edmund stormed to the machine and pushed Rand out of the way.

"Those are mine!" Edmund screamed. "My own! My precious!"

Rand blinked at him, then ate the Turkish Delight.

"NO!" Edmund burst into tears and fell to the floor in a tantrum.

Susan sighed. "How many times did Mom tell you not to do that in public? Here, let's go to Micky D's and get you some food."

"Ooh!" Edmund was happy again. "Can I have an Egg McMuffin?"

"I want one, too!" Ender shouted.

So the entire group went to breakfast.

Frodo stumbled into the meeting room five minutes later, hay still in his hair from the bad campout session. They had stolen his clothes and had put them on the tallest branch in the tree. Then Neville had beat him up.

The group wasn't there. "Where is everybody?"

Scarcely were the words out of his mouth when everyone came back in, clutching their Happy Meals.

Frodo pouted. "Anyone wanna share?"

They all just looked at him.

"Can we just continue on with the quest, then?"

"Sure," said Luke. "I'm in a servicy mood. Let's go plant a tree."

"But Arbor Day was yesterday…" Susan pointed out.

"But we have to do it anyway," Jim said. "But the list did say Arbor Day."

Ender sighed. "We'll just tell him we did it yesterday!"

"But that would be lying…"

Jake smacked him over the head. "Come on, let's go steal a tree."

"Where are we going to get a tree from?" Luke asked.

"From a tree shop, stupid," said Ender. "I say a Japanese maple."

So they found some Boy Scouts selling trees, and made Jim part with his last pearl necklace rather than stealing the tree.

The Boy Scouts proceeded to use the pearls as bebe shells. "Great shots you got for us!"

Jim sniffled as Rand dragged him off.

They traveled to the park, next to the scary castle. (Frodo, of course, took the bus.)

"There!" said Rand, pointing to a particular spot. "That's where the voices say to plant it! I think it's to fulfill a prophecy! You know, the one about that tree, you know the tree of life, yeah, I think that's it."

Edmund and Susan gasped. "Yeah, the trees with the apples that heal people, that was murdered and turned into a wardrobe!"

Rand stared. "I guess."

"Who brought the shovels?" Ender asked.

"Jim, weren't you supposed to bring them?" Susan asked.

"No, Ender was," Jim replied.

"Nuhuh!"

"Doesn't matter, we need a shovel, or something that can dig," Jake said.

All eyes turned to Frodo.

"Hey, I just manicure yesterday. It will ruin it."

Two minutes and dog pile later, our heroes had planted the tree and were watering it.

"Well, our job here is done," Jake said, striking a heroic pose.

Susan sighed and fluttered her eyelashes.

Harry stared off in the distance. The were couples everywhere. And the local musicians in the gazebo were playing soft romantic music. On a park bench not far away, Harry's eyes fell on a familiar sight. The back of Ron and Hermione's heads. He decided to go say hi, hoping that being near his single and unattached friends he could find comfort in the world of a marriage-driven society.

"Hi Harry," Hermione chimed when she saw him. Ron nodded hello.

"Look at what Ron gave me!" she continued, beaming and holding out her left hand.

"A nail job? Like Frodo's?" He was unsure of what she was talking about.

"No silly, a ring." She giggled.

Harry looked closer. The ring had a large stone set in it, one that looked remarkably familiar. Harry blinked, It was….no…nhw..the sorcerer's stone. How had Ron found one of those for her, and WHY?

"The wedding's in four months," Ron said proudly. "I want you to be my best man."

Harry looked at the two in complete shock and utter horror. "How could you do this to me? How long have you two been an item?" He began to sob. "No one ever tells me anything."

"Come on, Harry, it was obvious to everyone else," Hermione stated in her best know-it-all tone.

"You're not mad at us, are you, Harry?" Ron asked.

"No," Harry said quietly. "I need to go, the others are waiting for me."

"Well, good luck with the therapy, and I will have Ron call you on the day we do tux fittings," Hermione said. She pulled out her planner and checked off a box marked "Inform Harry of Plans."

Harry half stumbled back to the group. Visions of Ron and Hermione together filled his head. He was too late. He would die single. He began to wish Voldemort would show up and get it over with.

"What's up, Harry?" Susan asked Harry. She had her fingers twined in with Jake's. They were smiling.

Harry felt sick. "Oh, nothing. Ron and Hermione are getting married and they want me to be the best man."

"Yeah Harry, you are the best MAN for THE Job," Luke said and winked.

Rand shook his head in disbelief. "I am surrounded by fools," he muttered under his breath.

"That's great," Ender said, "I was wondering when those two would finally get it together."

Everyone else nodded in agreement; it was about time.

"I should give them the number to my caterer," Rand said. "He is fat so the food is always good and the service friendly as well as impeccable."

"Then why do you keep taking the last of the food from the vending machines?" Susan asked.

"Because I am a growing channeler and a hungry boy." Rand smiled and licked his lips. MMMM…he was going to have to go to Jack-in-the-Box tonight.

"You know, if we split into groups we could probably get a lot more done faster," Ender said.

The others nodded in agreement.

"How will we be split up?" Susan asked, seeing it as an opportunity to get Jake alone and all to herself.

"Jim, your hat please," Luke said.

Two more tiaras and an emerald comb fell out of the hat as he took it off.

"I saw this done on _Mystery Science Theater_, once. Here, everyone puts their name in the hat. Then we randomly pick the groups by having one person pick two or three at a time. Depends on how many we want in each group and how many groups we want total."

Susan, being the girl, of course drew the names.

The first group was Harry, Rand, and Edmund. They chose to go after the One Ring since Frodo was such a freak about it.

The second group was Jim and Ender. They were feeling like Boy Scouts. "Yeah, we want to help an old lady across the street," Ender said wickedly.

The third group was Jake and Luke. They picked bunnies for no reason other than it sounded easy and everyone loves bunnies.

Susan begged Luke to switch. Luke said that on that episode of _Mystery Science Theater_, all groups had been final. She, of course, pouted. That left her with Frodo, who she loathed because she had had to French him and he hadn't brushed his teeth or hair since leaving Hobbiton on the ring quest. At least that's what she thought.

"I like jewelry so we are going after the five golden rings, Frodo." She then yanked him by the arm, dragging him through the park on his stomach. She aimed for trees, rocks, small children, and the occasional park bench. Frodo hurt, badly.

* * *

The sidekicks had decided to spend that particular day playing of rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons. They gathered at the community center. They had been playing for almost six months on the same campaign. The Dungeon Masters were Dumbledore, Moraine, and Obi-wan, the latter being nothing more than the guy in charge of city campaigns.

They had spit into two groups, girls and boys, and were to combine that day for the first time.

The girls' group was going quite well.

"My angelic paladin brings back news of a gelatinous dragon attacking the nobleman's keep," Lucy announced. "The nobleman has helped us many times! We must race to his aid!"

"We should have a plan first," said Min. "My halfling rogue is good at sneak attacks."

"Wait!" said Egwene. "Moraine, could you please leave the room so we can plan? We know how much you like to trick us."

Moraine agreed, and went to check on the boys' group.

It was going… also well.

"Where's the Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper?" Mat called from the kitchen area.

"In the fridge!" Dumbledore called back, impatiently. "Okay, now Han, what does your barbarian orc do?"

"I forgot where I am."

"You're in the forest outside the keep. Remember?"

"No."

Dumbledore sighed. "What about you, Sam?"

"I cast magic missile at the monster in the gazebo."

"I still can't find the Dr. Pepper!" Mat called.

"Sam, there isn't a monster in the gazebo. Just cute little peasant girls. And they're actually behind it."

"My half-golum centaur druid pulls out his +12 sword of superdeath that talks!" Perrin exclaimed. "And attacks the peasant girls!"

"You're not there!" Dumbledore said.

"I still want to cast magic missile at the gazebo," Sam said.

"Does anyone want any Dr. Pepper?" Mat asked.

"No!" cried Dumbledore. "Get back in here, because while you're in there, your pixie bard is still in the pit of acid! And rounds are passing!"

"I again cast magic missile at the gazebo!" Sam announced.

Dumbledore sighed. "There's nothing there! It's just a gazebo!"

"I cast it anyway!"

"Where am I, then?" Perrin asked.

"You're back at the bar," Dumbledore said. "Okay, Sam, the gazebo attacks you back."

"But how much damage did I do?" Sam fiddled with his dice.

"None. Yes, Perrin, you're at the bar."

A crash sounded from the kitchen area. "Oops!" Mat called. "We need to buy more Dr. Pepper!"

"Am I getting drunk?" Perrin asked.

"What about me?" Marco said.

Dumbledore passed him the calculator. "Your character died. You're supposed to be rolling up a new one! Like I told you three hours ago!"

Marco looked sad. "Does anyone have a resurrection spell?"

"No," Dumbledore said. "You were only fourth level and there were no clerics in the village."

"You know, it's kind of weird my lycanthrope elf fighter died. Who ever thought you could get struck by a random bolt of lightening?"

Moraine tapped Dumbledore on the shoulder. "Are they really only fourth level?"

Dumbledore looked ready to cry. "Yes."

"Oh. The girls are at thirtieth. How are we supposed to make it even?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Maybe we will try and combine next week."

"Hey, Dumbledore, are any girls watching me get drunk?" Perrin asked.

"Yes," said Moraine.

Bean let out a whoop. "My goliath sorcerer just stabbed Perrin in a sneak attack!"

"Not again," Dumbledore moaned.

"I'll go ask the girls if they're okay with the boys leveling up to thirty with them."

"Hey, Dumbledore," called Ron. "Hermione's character and mine hooked up early! What's the DC for a good make-out session?"

Moraine stared. "Hermione, what are the other girls doing?"

"Oh, they're still planning. All my human cleric is to do is to hide and cast healing spells when necessary. So I don't need to be there anymore."

* * *

Luke and Jake walked into the thirtieth pet shop they had been in that day. "We're here to buy some bunnies," Luke told the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper nodded and gestured at the bunny cages. "They're twenty-five dollars each."

Jake squeaked. They only had a buck.

Luke waved his hands before the shopkeeper's face. "You will give us the bunnies for free!"

"No, I won't. They're twenty-five dollars!"

"Luke," said Jake. "This isn't working. Just like it didn't work at any of the other places. "Jedi mind tricks don't work on merchants, remember?"

They left the store, thoroughly dejected.

"I thought this was going to be easy," Luke whined. "How are we going to get bunnies now?"

"You know," said Jake. "We could always steal them."

"Steal?" Luke echoed, staring at Jake. "Isn't that wrong?"

"Eh, I've broken enough laws. What's one more?"

Luke shrugged. "Okay, but how are we going to do it?"

"I'll turn into a bunny and sneak into the store, and then free all the other bunnies! It'll be great!"

Jake and Luke high-fived.

* * *

Harry, Rand, and Edmund skipped up the side of Mt. Doom.

"Boy," said Edmund. "This is easy and fun. Frodo made it sound so scary!"

"Well, we're not Frodo, so anything seems not scary to us!" said Rand.

Harry wasn't quite so happy. For all he knew, the Dark Lord could be hiding there, and he'd once again have to take responsibility. Or Ron and Hermione and a wedding planner, which was worse. Lovely, a Mt. Doom wedding. The scenic, romantic views and the self-heated pools of water. Damn it all.

The cave entrance was big and loomed ahead of them. It was decorated severely with smiley faces and little sheep and the occasional heart that said "R + H". They all wondered who that could stand for.

"Now all we have to do is find that Ring," said Rand. "Good thing I brought my metal detector!"

They entered the cave. It was warm. Too warm. In fact, it was downright hot. Like a volcano. The Ring, of course, was right in plain sight, dangling by a chain and a rock over the boiling lava below.

Apparently neither Frodo nor Gollum had managed to actually knock it down.

Rand used the handle of his metal detector to rescue the Ring.

"That was easy," said Edmund. "Why, I bet we'll beat everyone else back. Now all we have to do is get this baby back to the community center."

* * *

Jim and Ender hung around the sidewalk, watching people cross. So far, not one little old lady.

"Scouting is a lot harder than it looks," Jim said. "Where do they find old ladies for their merit badges?"

"This is why I killed instead of joining Boy Scouts," Ender said darkly.

Jim looked at him funny. "Huh?"

Ender sighed. "You wouldn't get it."

Just then, a cute little old woman carrying home her daily groceries approached them. "Excuse me, young men, but would you mind assisting me across the street? I'll bake you cookies!"

Ender smiled. "Cookies? I like cookies!"

"The pirates stole all of my cookies!" Jim exclaimed. "I haven't had cookies since!"

"Well, now is as good a time as any," the old lady said. "Oh, look, the walk signal has already lit up."

So Jim and Ender helped her across the street and accompanied her home, carrying her groceries and thinking of cookies all the while.

* * *

Meanwhile, Frodo and Susan were ring-shopping, and Susan was regretting she had picked that particular quest, now that every single jeweler was just… assuming they were a freakin' couple! And Frodo didn't even bother to correct them.

She slammed Frodo up against an expensive glass case. "There we go. Gold rings. We'll just get five of those."

The jeweler put his hand on the panic button beneath the shelf. "Five… that's an unusual number…"

Susan growled. "What's it to you? Just more profit on your behalf. Snob."

Security would arrive within a few minutes. "That'll be 500."

Susan fainted, landing on top of Frodo.

"I guess we won't be shopping here," Frodo squeaked from beneath her. "I'll just get the rings from some friends of mine." He somehow managed to drag Susan from the shop just as the security guards appeared in the distance.

* * *

_Will our heroes actually have such seemingly good luck getting their items? Do you really think that?_

* * *

**SHOUT OUTS!**

xPussyWillowKittenx: Be glad you do not know what _Grapes of Wrath_ is.

v-babe24: Thanks!

Lady Kazaana: Heck, Little Red Riding Hood is just evil. And Tobias probably will make an appearance.

KalsǺ Thanks! Amazing you consider it inspiration. Yes, we had to use non-American characters. But I don't think that was intentional. Now that you mention it… Jake and Rand are the only American characters in there.

hydraspit: Sorry about the updating delay!

Frosty Pickle Juice: It was slow light speed.

Celebwen Telcontar: Thanks. Actually, Susan is from _Chronicles of Narnia_.

ArcherofDarkness: Don't worry; we don't like McDonald's either.

amieken: Yes! And the strange clopping noise will proceed every bad thing that happens to Harry, just like it did with Tony!

* * *

And an extra: Here are where you can find all of the characters in here:

Edmund: _Chronicles of Narnia_

Ender Wiggin: _Ender's Game_

Frodo Baggins: _Lord of the Rings_

Harry Potter: _Harry Potter_

Jake: _Animorphs_

Jim Hawkins: _Treasure Island_

Luke Skywalker: _Star Wars_

Rand Al'Thor: _Wheel of Time_

Susan: _Chronicles of Narnia_


	5. Jake the Bunny

_So sorry we took forever getting this up! School became important! But our goal is to finish this before the end of the semester, which is next week. So… you should get a fast update! Tracee and Em._

* * *

Luke carefully opened the shop door. The owner was on the phone. "Okay, the coast is clear. Move in, Jake."

Jake the Bunny hopped into the pet store.

Luke saw, across the street, a pop machine. And no Rand in sight. Luke did like Sobes. "Good luck, Jake." He ran across the street, narrowly dodging traffic.

Jake could see the bunny cages. It would be so easy with his human intelligence to just open them. Why, this really was going to be easy. He continued hopping forward.

Al the store owner spotted one of his bunnies out, again for the fiftieth time that week, the damn thing. Well, he was spending too much money on this 900 number anyway. "We'll catch up later, Star, I really need to go."

He snatched the bunny up and shoved it forcefully into the bunny cage.

Jake tried to wiggle away, but Al was strong and knew how to handle wayward bunnies.

Oh well, Jake thought. I can get out of this. And Luke will no doubt help out.

Meanwhile, Luke was having trouble with the pop machine. He tried the Force, he tried everything he knew, but still his Karma Sobe would not be released from the wicked machine! There was a number on the front to call if the machine ever malfunctioned… but no! He couldn't resort to that just yet! There was one thing he realized he hadn't tried. Luke pulled out his handy dandy light saber. He went into his fighting stance and proceeded to split the machine right down the middle, Mountain Dew gushing out just like the guts of the snow monster he had killed on Hoth.

Lights began to flash behind him. Luke blinked back the sweat falling into his eyes; he couldn't be passing out, it was just Mountain Dew.

"Alright there, just step away from the pop machine nice and easy…" the overbearing cop said.

She was tall, taller than Luke, any way. Luke felt warm. "Uh…I was, just…ah dislodging my Sobe from the pop machine."

"Uh huh…sure you were…and I am just going accidentally handcuff you and shove you into my police car," said Lucinda the supercop. "You should have just paid for your Sobe like normal people. Now off to prison we go."

"But I did pay for it, and the machine ate my dollar," Luke protested.

"Sure, that's what they all say." Lucinda roughly shoved Luke into the cop car, twisting his arm hard. "People like you make me sick."

Luke cowered in the cop car and Jake was forgotten.

* * *

Finally, the community center was in sight. Rand, Edmund, and Harry had a hard journey; they had not managed to get the first class car on the train. Harry was covered in someone else's breakfast. Rand kept apologizing profusely.

"What a waste of perfectly good Turkish Delight." Edmund sighed.

"You want some?" Harry asked.

"No…you can keep it."

"I thought so."

They exited the train and entered back into town on platform 9 and 3/8ths. On the other side of the wall waited Rand's girls. "Hi!" they all cried in unison.

"Hi," Rand squeaked holding on to stomach the best he could. "What are you doing here?"

"Our D&D session was getting a little stale," Min said. "We have to wait for all the guys to level up. They're doing it without playing, of course, but it is still a scary thing."

"Hey, what's that you have behind your back?" Elayne asked, peering at Rand.

"Erm, nothing," replied Rand. "Nothing at all."

Meanwhile, Edmund was smiling flirtatiously at Min.

"That's not nothing!" Aviendha exclaimed. "What is it?"

Rand held it out tentatively. The Ring. The One Ring. To rule them all!

"You didn't!" Elayne squealed. "Oh, Rand! You're so sweet!" She wrapped her arms around his neck and planted a big one on his lips, nearly causing him to drop the Ring. "Now where are the other rings for Min and Aviendha?"

"Uh… uh…." Rand glanced to Harry and Edmund for help. "Uh… Don't worry, I'll have the rings for you in no time. I just wanted to show you one ahead of time."

Min gasped. "Is there another woman?"

"No!" Rand exclaimed. "I swear!"

But the girls were glaring at him with flames burning in their eyes.

"You lie," said Elayne. "There's only one ring there!"

"Uh…" Rand shoved the Ring into Harry's hands. "Run!"

Min grabbed Edmund. "We're holding him as a hostage until we get all the rings!"

Meanwhile, Harry was off like a bolt of lightning.

* * *

The house was smallish, perched precariously on what seemed to be stilts. Jim and Ender couldn't figure out how the house managed to stay up. They decided it had to be the stairs. They shrugged. Besides that, it was a nice looking house, covered in bits of candy that littered the neighborhood and created an eyesore that severely decreased the real estate value of the neighborhood, but that was beside the point.

The little old lady guided them up the stairs, smiling. "I hope you like my home." She smiled, her crooked teeth poking out between her crinkly old lips.

Ender shuddered and hoped he died before he reached sixty. Jim had grown up at a seaside inn in England and was used to ugly old people with bad teeth.

"Come in, come in," she said, opening the door. "Don't be shy. Now what kind of cookies would you boys be wanting?"

They looked each other and shrugged. "Cookies are good. Whatever."

So the little old lady pulled out all the cookies she had and served them to the boys. She even offered to bake them some raisin cookies, but they turned up their noses at that. But it was amazing the cookies were so good, considering she used a Benjamin Franklin stove to do all of her baking.

"So where are you from, my boys?" the old lady crooned. "I'm very interested."

Ender answered shyly, "Some place in the United States. I don't remember where. And then there was that horrible academy, and various planets. I have no home. I am a drifter." He rubbed his eyes, which were beginning to feel droopy. "Say, these are lovely plates you have. Such a nice ivory color."

"Why, thank-you. I make them specially."

The little old lady did have a lot of awfully nice stuff. It was all bone white for some reason, though. They just couldn't figure it out. Why would such a nice old lady live in such a straight white house?

Jim's head drooped forward, but not before noticing the shelf—also bone white—filled with all sorts of sling shots and baseball gloves and bats. Probably just for all the other children who came there for cookies, he decided, as he fell asleep on the table.

Something wasn't quite right, Ender thought tiredly, as the old lady trundled them off to bed in the barred cage, locking the door soundly behind them.

* * *

The girls were closing in on Rand, evil in their eyes.

"Honey," Min said sweetly. "We just went to the mall today. And we when pulled out our credit cards, but we were told they were declined. Now we know you're so busy saving the world and all, but don't you think you could pay the credit card bills once in awhile. I mean, you own all these cities. Can't you just tax the people a bit higher? It's for us!" She batted her eyes.

Elayne and Aviendha nodded in agreement, smiling wickedly. "And we would just love some new curtains for the kitchen in the castle you're going to build us." More batting of the eyelashes.

Edmund squirmed in their clutches. "Rand, help!"

"Shut up, hostage!" Elayne shrieked.

"Oh, come on, Elayne," Min said. "He's just a cute little boy who can't harm us. Let's take us back to the old castle Rand built for us and stuff him full of treats." She winked. "We have Turkish Delights! And you will eat them until you squeal in pain!"

Edmund continued to struggle. "No! Not Turkish—hey, what I am saying? Three beautiful women and Turkish Delight? Let's go, ladies! See ya, later! I'm off pimpin'!"

Rand tried to say something, but it was too late. They were gone. He grumbled, "Now where did Harry get off to?"

There was one thing Rand knew: One girl equals no money; three girls equaled substantial debt. The other guys didn't know how good they had it.

Unfortunately, the girls had Harry microchipped. They knew exactly where he and the Ring were. And they would make sure he would not defer from his path to the jewelers.

Meanwhile, Edmund was quite happy in his hostage situation. Three gorgeous girls googling over him.

"Oh Edmund!" Avienhda said. "You're so adorable! Such a cute little boy! I hope someday I have a son just like you!"  
The girls cooed. "Yeah."

"Are you bored?" Min asked. "Do you wanna play with Rand's PS2? Or X-Box? Or…" She giggled.

"We have an Atari!" Elayne shouted. "With Pong!"

"Yes!" Edmund cried.

"We were going to give it to Rand for his birthday," she continued. "But you're so much cuter. So much more adorable. And we just couldn't resist. It's been so long since we had small children around."

"Here," said Aviendha. "We stole all of Mat's Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper. You can have all you want."

If this is torture, Edmund thought, chain me to the wall.

* * *

After visiting all of his 'friends' in search of rings, Frodo resorted to visiting his buddy Lollipop, the disfigured dwarf, in hopes that Lollipop might actually have a ring. With so many magic rings made, one would think that someday out there would have an extra just lying around the house, but no! And Susan was getting highly impatient. And she was scary when she was impatient.

All of a sudden, in the distance, he could hear Rand screaming in pain as he received a credit card bill. "Ahhh!"

Susan rolled her eyes. "He just doesn't know how to treat his girls. He doesn't deserve them."

If all girls are like you, Susan, Frodo thought. It's amazing people actually get married. He finally remember why he was single. If only he could warn Harry before he, too, was in the bonds of marriage. No, Ron was the engaged one. He had to warn Ron!

They knocked on the door of Lollipop's hut.

"I ain't buying any damn Girl Scout cookies, so go away!" Lollipop's gruff voice called.

"It's me," Frodo called. "Frodo Baggins!"

"Bilbo?" Lollipop sounded excited. "Long time no see!"

"No!" Frodo cried. "It's Frodo!"

"Who? Frogo?"

"No! Frodo! Bilbo's nephew! Fro-do! Frodo!"

Lollipop popped his head out the door. "Oh, yeah. You. I hear you tried to trick Smeagol into answering wrong on that riddle."

"No, that was Bilbo."

"Oh. I always get it confused. Well, what do you need?"

"We need rings!" Susan said. "Five golden rings!"

Lollipop stared. "And I care why?"

"Well, you're my friend," Frodo said. "And I figured you might have one of those rings the dwarven kings received. Please, come on. You're my only hope. The Elves refused! In fact, most of them won't even talk to me."

"They talked to me," Susan said happily. "That Legolas is so dreamy! He almost asked me out on a date, I'm sure of it." She sighed.

"How many times do you have I tell you, Susan," Frodo said. "He's not interested in girls like you. In fact, sometimes I'm not even sure he's interested in girls. All he's interested in his hunting and killing and wreaking all kinds of havoc. Very un-elflike. Well, that's our Legolas."

"That's okay, my heart belongs to Jake."

Lollipop was getting bored. "I don't have a ring. Do you think a dwarf like me would have one of those rings? Come on. I do have brass rings. I have nose rings. I even have a belly button lint ring. But I don't have any gold rings. Say, why don't you try one of those supermarket quarter vending machines?"

Susan and Frodo exchanged glances. That was actually a good idea. "Okay, but where can we get change for a dollar?"

* * *

Luke finally managed to get himself out of jail by convincing Lucinda sweetly to let him out, that he really had been only trying to get his Sobe out. Which was the truth. And Lucinda knew him well enough by then to know he was a horrible liar. So he paid for the damages which the last of his paycheck from his job at the local Rent-a-Jedi. All the kids are renting Jedis these days. It was just in. Then he and Lucinda went out for coffee. And a movie. And dinner.

"Wow," said Lucinda, as they strolled from the theatre, clutching Luke's arm. "Didn't you just love that jack-a-lope at the beginning of the movie! That was worth the ticket price."

"Jack-a-lope," Luke muttered. "That's reminds me of something. I just can't remember what. Did I have a bunny with me?"

"No," said Lucinda, very confused.

"Hmm. Oh well." He hoped Jake was handling the mission okay.

* * *

Meanwhile, Al the bunny shop owner had gone home for the night. Finally, Jake thought. He was in the cage, but he could finally use his human ingenuity to free all the bunnies. With no stupid shopkeeper to stop him.

He would lead a bunny revolution.

* * *

Jim and Ender finally woke up to find themselves trapped in a cage—also made of strange bone-colored material.

"Where are we?" Jim asked, bewildered.

"I think we're still at the old lady's house," Ender said. "I guess we ate too many cookies."

"You can never have enough cookies," the old lady said, wandering back into view. "Now, who wants to go first?"

"I do, I do!" Jim cried, waving his hand in the air.

Ender stared at him. "Exactly what is he going first for?"

"Why, I'm going to have him over for lunch! I just read this delightful new book _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Serving Man."_

"Serving man?" Jim asked. "You mean Hu-man?"

"More specifically little boy."

"You can go first," Ender said, pushing Jim towards the door.

"Now let's not get too hasty," the old lady said. "I still have to set the oven first. And then there is the matter with tenderizing. You know how it is with cooking. You have to take your own sweet time."

"Well, come back when you're ready," Ender said. "We'll still be here."

"Of course you will," she said sweetly. "No one ever escapes from my prison."

"Prison?" Jim gasped, epiphany striking him. "Of course! The cage! The cooking! The oven! The candy-covered house! It all makes sense now!"

Ender rolled his eyes. "Moron."

"Except for the stilts," Jim continued. "Who puts stilts on a candy house?"

"I do!" the old lady cackled. "I am the great, the powerful, Baba Yaga!"

The boys stared at her. "Who?"

"Baba Yaga," she repeated. "You know, evil witch. Turns people into animals. Lives in a house with chicken legs. Eats small children. Baba Yaga."

The boys looked as confused as ever.

"Oh, well," she sighed. "That's what I get for coming to America. Stupid uncultured American kids."

"But I'm from England!" Jim said.

"Same difference," Baba Yaga said. "You're all the same. Only the Russian children have the intelligence to fear me. Which, come to think of it, is why I left. So it's my own fault you've never heard of me, I suppose. I really must get better advertising. Oh well. So Jim is going to be eaten first."

"You're going to eat me?" Jim looked ready to cry. "I'm full of cholesterol. Not to mention I probably have some disease from living on a pirate ship. You know, I had scurvy for five months!"

"I've had my shots," Baba Yaga said. "And I keep in shape, I can handle some cholesterol. Now I have to go see if the water is boiling. Oh, dear. I forgot to pick up seasoning while I was out. And carrots. I'll be back in half an hour or so, and then I promise we'll get started. Now what seasonings do you boys like? Rosemary, thyme, parsley, sage? Or maybe we should just go with brown sugar, because it's cheap, but tastes so darn good. Well, be good and I'll be back soon. Don't gnaw on the bones, please."

The boys stared at the bones. So that's what they were.

They waited until Baba Yaga had left the house, then noticed that one of the bones on the cage was almost broken through. There were teeth marks, and, when they looked closely, the faint markings of "Hansel was here."

The boys exchanged smiles. They had an idea.

"Come on," said Ender. "You gnaw on the bones."

"No!" said Jim. "You do it! It's gross!"

"I double dare you!"

"Well, I double dog dare you!"

"Well," said Ender seriously. "I triple dog dare you with a cherry on top."

Jim's face darkened. "Them's fightin' words. Tell you what we'll do. We'll both do it, and the loser owes the other a root beer float."

"You're on!"

Immediately they set to gnawing their way out of prison. Within ten minutes, they were free. Ender stole some slingshots, her purse, and her credit cards. Jim founds some old photos of her and posted them on the internet, after installing a webcam. Then they called the authorities. Then, after cleaning all the goodies off the outside of the house, they were off.

It was the least they deserved, after going through what they had gone through.

* * *

"You look absolutely gorgeous!" Lucy sighed. "I wish I could be a bride someday!"

"Don't worry," Hermione said sweetly, twirling around in front of the mirror. "You'll get your chance. Aren't you and Bean seeing each other anyway?"

Lucy sniffed. "He wishes."

"You know, he's not all that bad," Hermione insisted. "And he's a super genius. He'll make you lots of money."

"Yeah, but then there's the matter of that Petra girl, and I just don't think I could live up to her. I think Bean has her on a pedestal. Of course, it's not his fault she died shortly after their marriage. Besides, I was kinda hoping that Harry would wise up and realize that, you know, he could date me! I wouldn't mind! I always wanted to date a hero!"

Hermione sighed. "He's not a hero. He's an idiot! A loveable idiot, but an idiot nonetheless!"

"Yeah," said Lucy. "But I don't need an intelligent man to keep me company. Just his wallet." She tittered. "Just kidding."

"What's wrong with that?" Elayne asked. "Money can't buy me love, but it sure can make life a lot better."

"Speak for yourself," said Aviendha.

"So," said Hermione. "What do you think, girls? Should I get it?" Magical glitter sparkled off the dress.

"Yes!" said Lucy. "How much is it?"

Hermione glanced at the price tag. "10,000 galleons," she said. "Not too bad."

"But you have to get the matching veil!" Min said. "Not to mention those shoes we saw down the street at the troll shop."

"You mean the white high heals with the straps?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah. The one's made by elves."

"Weren't those about 500 galleons?"

"So? Ron will buy me anything I want! Because he loves me!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry was at the jewelers. "So how much is it to get three more copies of this Ring?"

The jeweler looked at the Ring. "Well, it is the One Ring to Rule Them All, so I don't know what kind of adverse affect this will have."

"I don't care," Harry said quickly. "But my friend is held prisoner by three beautiful women, which actually isn't all that bad for him, I'm actually kind of jealous, but their husband is a little angry. So, yeah, it's an emergency."

The jeweler stroked his pointed beard. "Hmm, let's put the price at $5,000 and your first-born son."

"Deal," said Harry. He was going to die single at this rate, so the child thing wouldn't be a problem. Then he whipped out Rand's credit card. "Here!"

Once the copies were made, Harry ran back to where Rand was crying over his bill. "I have the Rings! I hope you don't mind I used your card."

Rand sighed. "How much?"

Harry decided it would be best to lie. "Ten cents. Oh, and your first-born son."

"That's okay," said Rand. "The way the girls are acting, I may never have one."

So Harry and Rand went to the girls' other castle and, in a tarrying hostage exchange in which the negotiations included Edmund returning as soon as possible, the Rings were handed to the girls. Save the original. At least they thought it was the original. Oh, well.

"Look," said Elayne, holding up her hand with the ring. "I'm misty!"

"No, you're Elayne!" Min said.

"No, I'm misty! See? You can kind of see through my hand!"

"Hmm," said Rand. "Apparently the copying weakened the invisibility properties of the Rings." He didn't care. He was covered with kisses from his now-happy girls.

"What about the evil possessing nature?" Harry asked.

"I feel irritable!" said Aviendha. "Get me some strawberries!"

"Me too!"

"Me three!"

Instead, Harry, Rand, and Edmund ran as fast as they could away back to the community center.

* * *

Jim, Ender, and Luke were already waiting for them when they arrived back at the community center. They were playing Twister, a very innocent game, with Dorcas and Yoda.

"Step on me, you have!" Yoda cried in pain.

"Sorry, man!" cried Luke. "This is revenge for all the training you put me through! If it matters so much, why don't you use the Force? Use the Force, Yoda!"

Yoda scowled. "Used for friviliaties, used the Force should not be." Then he tossed Luke across the room.

Dorcas squealed like a fan girl. The Yoda fan club had began.

"Hey, guys!" Jim said as Rand, Harry, and Edmund came in. "Guess what me and Ender got to do!"

"We almost got eaten!" Ender exclaimed happily. Too happily. "By a witch! The one that ate Hansel and Gretal! What was her name again, Jim?"

"I think it was Helga. Or Olga. Wasn't she from Australia? She bribed us with cookies. They were good."

Ender nodded enthusiastically and pulled some out of his pocket. "I stole some more."

He passed the cookies around and everyone agreed they were very good.

"Are you sure she was trying to eat you?" Rand asked. "Maybe she just wanted some company."

"Nah, she locked us in a cage and went out to buy spices."

"Maybe that was her way of telling you not to leave the house," Dorcas said.

Jim shook his head. "She had a cookbook. And cooks are evil!"

"What was the cook book?"

"_The Complete Idiot's Guide to Serving Man_. More specifically little boys."

That settled the argument.

Susan and Frodo walked in. Frodo seemed to be reaching for her hand. Susan seemed to be heading toward the wall. At this rate she would hit her head on the door. Which she did.

Frodo stepped over her moaning body. "Anybody got change for a dollar? We need a 1.25 in quarters."

"Why?" Edmund asked.

"Because we do."

So Edmund happily handed over five quarters and received a dollar.

Susan mumbled something about Rand having some, but would use them all the time to buy the last candy from the machine!

"Thanks," Frodo said. "I'll be back in a second." He dashed out the door and was back in a minute with five cheap plastic rings. "How long has the little toy vending machine been out there?"

Susan screamed bloody murder.

"Where's Jake?" Harry asked.

Everyone looked at Luke, who shrugged.

"We got separated," was his excuse.

"So… you didn't get the bunnies?" Rand asked.

"No, but I met this great girl! Lucinda! She's a cop and VERY hot. She frisked me."

All the guys seemed to want more of the story. Dorcas and Susan rolled their eyes.

"What is it with guys and being frisked?" Susan asked.

Then a herd of bunnies hopped into the room. They were being driven by a large black and white bunny.

"See?" said Luke. "Jake got the bunnies. But where is he?"

The black and white bunnie bit Luke on the toe. Luke screamed like a girl.

The room fell silent as everyone looked at the bunny.

Ender muttered something about Monty Python and Killer bunnies. Dorcas giggled.

"Jake?" Susan asked softly.

The bunny nodded.

Susan broke down into tears. Everyone glared at Luke.

"What?" said Luke defensively. "He never told me about the two hour time limit on morphs!"

"Then how come you know about it right now?" Jim yelled.

"Uh…"

Everyone rolled their eyes.

Yoda smiled. "Make nice gloves he will now."

Jake the Bunny bit the Jedi Master, who swore loudly.

Dorcas gasped. "Yoda! You know better! We've been working on this! Go put another quarter in the jar!"

Yoda slunk off in shame.

"Oh, well," Ender said brightly. "So Jake's a bunny for the rest for the eternity. I'm sure he'll be happy. It's not like bunnies don't get of action or anything. Let's finish this quest, baby!" He winked at Dorcas.

She slapped him. "I'll babysit the bunny."

Jake looked very happy for a bunny.

Susan glared at Dorcas.

Dorcas shrugged. "It's not like he'll be back to normal any time soon. It's like babysitting… an animal. And I don't mean it that way."

Jake's ears fell.

So all of our Heroes, except for Jake, decided to go after the hamburger in the Sketcher's box. Yet again.

They all returned from the tallest building in the city looking very dazed, muttering about light reflecting from Venus.

Yoda looked at them and shook. "Suggestion, may I make. Go for the book and the weapon first. Hamburger last. Ignore my advice yet again, you have. Foolish humans."

Jake the Bunny looked very offended.

"Poor Jake," Susan cooed. "Did that mean Dorcas woman pick on you?"

Jake shook his head no.

Susan ignored that. "You don't have to lie for her! You can be honest with me!" She picked him and squeezed him. "Oh, you're so fluffy! Can I pet you?"

Jake's eyes grew wide with panic. He was no longer big enough to defend himself from the vile Susan!

"Who's a cute icle bunnywunny?" She sang. "You are! You are!"  
Jake wriggled in horror.

Finally, Ender came to the rescue. "Put the bunny down. Here, give him to me."

Susan didn't want to, but Jake bit her. So she threw him down. "Jerk! Bad bunny! We're so over!"

"You were never together to begin with!" Harry shouted.

"What do you know, Harry?" Susan said hotly. "It's not like you've ever been with a girl!"

"Yes, I have!"

"Cho doesn't count!"

Everyone agreed to this.

Harry pouted. "Let's just go to the book store. I don't want to spend any more time with you people."

"Then… why are we going with you?" Edmund asked in confusion.

"Because I have a fear of being alone, after all my role models died! Because they all either die and leave me alone or get married! Which reminds me, they haven't told me the wedding colors. I need to know what color and style of tux to get."

Susan offered him her supply of wedding magazine she always kept on it.

Harry looked at the wedding dresses, wondering which Susan should wear. He finally selected the ugliest one for her.

Susan slapped him. Dorcas was impressed. From that moment on, they were best friends.

So, finally our heroes sallied forth into the dangers of the city and the still-burning library, which the firefighters were trying their best to save. But alas, books burn well. At least there wouldn't be a late feefor the _Cat in the Hat_.

They finally came to Jeeves, the old pawn shop on second street. If anyone had a dangerous murder weapon to destroy all villains, it would be Jeeves.

They entered the musty old shop, breathing in the scent of all things antique.

"So," said Rand. "We're looking for a weapons."

Jeeves pointed at a sign that read "No Bunnies Allowed." They threw Jake outside. Jeeves shook his head. "Oh, no. I don't sell weapons here."

"Sure you do," said Frodo. "I know for a fact that Gimli was in her last week, and you gave him an axe. You said it could sever a man's head from his shoulders without even breaking a sweat. Too bad Legolas didn't hear ya. Just kidding."

All Legolas lovers, including Susan, within a block of Jeeves', screamed in horror at the thought of Legolas loosing his head. Good thing Frodo was kidding. Or he would have died.

"Hey," Jim cried from a corner, pointing at a tiara. "I stole this from the island! How did you get it?"

Luke whistled and walked from the shop.

Jeeves muttered something under his breath. "Fine. I'll bring the weapons. Anything in particular you're looking for? And you know I don't sell these. If anyone asks, tell them Agent J showed them to you."

"Who's Agent J?" Harry asked.

"Just a random name I picked out. Be back in a sec." He returned shortly with a can of Pam. "Just take the lid off, point, and spray. And shake well before using."

Everyone stared at Jeeves.

"Can I try it?" Frodo asked.

"Sure," Jeeves said. "But only use a little, not a lot. I don't my shop destroyed. Again."

Frodo took the can, popped off the lid, and broke off the spray nozzle.

Everyone gasped.

Jeeves just said, "You break it, you bought it."

Everyone looked at Rand, who sighed and pulled out his credit card. "I'm going to be in debt forever. Between you guys and my wives, there will be no end in sight. I'll just plunge my country into famine!"

"Yeah, thanks man," said Edmund. "And do you think you could pay for a trip to McDonalds later?"

"NO!"

After discovering that they received some points toward the pawn shop from their purchase, they bought a battered copy of _Farenheit 451_ after Jeeves' hot young blonde assistant recommended it. Strangely enough, the cover seemed to be slightly burned.

"We have everything but the hamburger now!" Luke shouted happily when they joined him outside. A book was in his hand. _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen.

"Where did you get that?" Jim asked.

"Uh…"

"You stole it!" Susan shrieked. "First you let Jake get turned into a bunny, then you steal a book!"

Jim and Ender both high-fived Luke.

"Put it back," Edmund said darkly. "You broke a commandment, so put it back."

So Luke swore and threw the book back into the shop, inadvertently killing Jeeves and leaving his hot young assistant heir to the shop.

"Now let's go get the hamburger," Ender said. "How come we haven't done that yet? It sounds so easy!"

"I don't know," Harry said. "Every time I think about it, I have a strange feeling we've forgotten something."

"Well, we should go after it and finish this quest," Rand said. "Isn't it on the way back to the community center?"

"It's that close and we never went," Frodo said, shaking his head. "Are we just lazy?"

"Probably didn't realize how close it was," Rand said, setting out. "Let's go."

So they all went to the tallest building in the city. They walked up to the building. It was big. And tall. And its street number was 999.

* * *

**SHOUT OUTS!**

_amieken:_ oh, wait and see what we have planned for Ron and Hermione!

_buenonacho:_ Thanks for still enjoying the characters!

_Frosty Pickle Juice:_ We thought it was gross, too, but we kept at it. Sorry!

_hydraspit:_ Frodo gets a lot of crap from Susan. That he does.

_Lady Kazaana:_ You can't cast magic missile because you're not there!

_Lady Meridadoc:_ I'm sorry I made your throat hurt!

_Skylamiat:_ Oh, Orson Scott Card is definitely American. Lives in my state. That's just… in there. And glad you enjoyed that particular cross over!

_Tru Lys:_ So something CAN be stupid and educational? Yay!

_xPussyWillowKittenx:_ THIS is what happened to Dorcas and Yoda!


	6. The Evil of Gandalf

Edmund and Susan screamed bloody murder. "That's the Devil's number upside down! It goes against all blatantly Christian symbolism book series!"

Jake and Harry rolled their eyes and strolled in, followed by the others. Rand finally had to drag the two siblings in.

It all seemed vaguely familiar.

A man sat reading his newspaper across from a giant fan. He looked up as they entered and moaned. "Not again."

"What?" Ender asked. "You have people coming here a lot looking for hamburgers?"

"Haven't you died of radiation to the brain yet?" the man asked tiredly.

"What do you mean?" Edmund asked. "We've never been here before."

"Damn it," the man muttered. "Fine. Just because I'm sick of you coming in here." He pulled out his walkie-talkie. "J, they're back. Yeah, the hamburger morons. Yeah, I'm sick of them to. So you're okay with bringing them up, giving them the hamburger, and sending them on their way?"

Our Heroes were very confused. But when J arrived, looking very annoyed, they just shrugged and followed.

They stepped into an elevator that went up very high. They were very strange looking people, but not enough to make our heroes too concerned; they had all seen much weirder.

Except for Jim. He pointed, stared, and gawked like a naïve little idiot. "Wow! That lady has three legs! Do you think she's Olga's sister? Maybe she got involved in some nuclear fission problem! Maybe that's what the guy was talking about with brain radiation? Do you think we'll grow extra toes?"

Susan got a worried look on her face, then shook her head. "Nah. Not possible."

Finally, J let them off the elevator. The roof was kind of crowded. Between the sunbathers, the alien ships, and the picketers, there wasn't much room to get around.

The picketers had signs like "I'm not an illegal alien!" "You can't make me leave!" "Ender is a mass murderer!" "Just say no to xenocide!" "Animorphs do not get involved in alien affairs!" "The Force doesn't work on me!" "If you think those fingers work on me, I got a finger for you!" and, Harry's personal favorite "Earth should be destroyed to make way for an environmentally safe highway!"

Luke and Ender were very offended, and just glad Jake wasn't there.

Our heroes looked around the crowd. It was tall in many places, so Luke used the Force to raise Jim above the crowd to look for the Sketchers box. Many aliens booed.

Jim squealed and pointed. "Look at the guy! What a freak! Oh, and that!"

On the other end, across from where they stood, there was a huge, alter-like box, on which were stationed several glowing Sketchers shoeboxes. It was a like a scene from that Indiana Jones movie. In fact, Harrison Ford was nearby with hot alien chicks. He was telling them about the time he drove the Millennium Falcon.

Luke shook his head. If only he knew the truth. Stupid movie star profiting from real life.

So they made their way to the Sketchers alter. There they met a short little guy standing in front of a police line.

"Hey, you're even shorter than Yoda!" Jim said, once again pointing and gawking.

The policeman scowled. "Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what is your quest?"

"To find the hamburger!" they shouted in unison.

"Choose wisely. For all but one of the hamburgers are whole. And poisoned. Only the half-eaten one is safe and edible! But you must choose by the appearance of the boxes. For the glory of the hamburgers will burn out your eyes! For they are holy, and were made by Ronald McDonald. The Ronald McDonald. Only the half-eaten one is safe, for it was defiled by one called… Gandalf the Grey. Dude, I hope they threw him in the loony boon. And beware, for you can only choose one. But if you really want to choose more than one, you must sacrifice a group member."

They all pushed Harry off the building.

The man shook his head. "Not that kind of sacrifice. But what they hey, I'll let it pass. I'm in a good mood. Though that does mean extra red tape. So at least attempt to pick the right box, so you can save me some paper work. You may ask me twenty questions."

Rand prepared to ask him the obvious question of which box was the correct one, but Jim was quicker.

"Are you really the guy that guards the sacred hamburger-filled Sketchers boxes?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Twenty questions later…

"Really?"

"Yes. You have finished your questions."

"We picked the wrong sacrifice," Edmund muttered.

Susan screamed and flung herself at Jim. She missed, and knocked Frodo into the pile of boxes.

The balance was disturbed. The earth shook, and the building swayed as though possessed by a large earthquake. The aliens shrieked. Several fell off the building.

Luke muttered good riddance, and Ender giggled in glee.

Luckily, the one Sketchers box that flew open in the scuffle was the correct one.

Susan picked up the hamburger and sniffed. "Still smells okay." She put it in her pocket. "Okay, great job, guys. Our quest has been completed. Let's get all this stuff back to Gandalf."

So they returned to the community center and presented their stuff to Yoda for approval.

Yoda frowned at their choice of book. "Again crap this is! Sick am I of this! So tell you the correct book I will! _Pride and Prejudice_ it is!"

Everyone stared at Luke. The idiot savant was right. Jake bit him again.

"Go and get the book back!" they all screamed.

He slumped from the community center.

"But we did get the hamburger," Edmund said. "Susan, why don't you show it to him?"

Susan pulled out the wrapper. "Where did it go!" she said in a voice of fake surprise. "Rand, did you eat it?"

Rand looked shocked. "No! I only eat vending machine food! And Jack-in-the-Box! I wouldn't touch McDonalds! The girls would kill me; it's against my diet."

"I thought you ate everything," Jim said.

"Not everything, just most things. But they say McDonalds' makes my breath stink. But I promise I didn't eat it. If we think about this logically, who had it? Not me. But Susan! Susan has been complaining she has been hungry for the past two days! In fact, I haven't heard her stomach growl since we left that building."

Susan tried to run for it, but they all jumped her.

"How could you?" Edmund cried. "You are my sister, but you betrayed us! Again!"

Susan glared at him. "Look who's talking! Betrayal! I didn't take up with the Snow Queen!"

Edmund shut up. She was right. She always was. Stupid older sister. Why couldn't she be more like Lucy?

"Okay," said Ender, in the calmest voice he could. "We have to fix this. I don't think they'll let us back in that building, and even we could, we'll have to make another sacrifice. So, we'll just buy one. It's not like Gandalf won't know the difference between a McDonald's hamburger and McDonalds' hamburger, right? Let's pool our money."

They came up with a total of fifty-seven cents, some gum, Rand's credit card, a tiara, and a death ray. Apparently their pocket of endless money in random situations was not working. They handed Ender back his death ray.

"You shouldn't show that off," Rand advised. "Someone might think it's illegal."

Ender shrugged and put it back in his pocket. "Okay, your loss."

They wouldn't give Jim back his tiara. In fact, he didn't ask for it. Then they realized it belonged to Frodo.

Susan put it on her head. "I feel pretty!" she sang.

"You do," said Frodo. "But that won't buy us a hamburger. So give it back."

At which point Jim looked at it strangely and thought "Is that mine?"

Finally, it was agreed that they would use Rand's credit card to buy the hamburger. Once again leaving Jake behind, our heroes set out for the nearest McDonalds.

They asked for a double cheeseburger from the dollar menu. And a parfait for Susan.

But, horror of horrors, Rand's credit card was declined.

He fell to his knees and cried to the heavens. "Why! Why! Why must I always be broke?"

They shooed from the store.

"What are we doing to do?" Frodo asked.

Susan suggested that Frodo go garbage dumpster diving. He refused.

Then Jim smiled. "Hey, if Luke can steal the greatest piece of classical literature there is, any of us can steal a hamburger!"

The others looked at him. For once, Jim was talking sense.

So they all barged back into the restaurant, Ender baring his death ray. "Give us a hamburger now!"

So they got the hamburger. But they didn't make it from the shop. Mrs. Weasley, a veritable soccer mom, knocked Ender to the floor. "Look at what kind of example you are setting for these children!" she shrieked.

All the kids in the store cheered for Ender.

"If you really want a hamburger that much," Mrs. Weasley suggested. "Maybe you can work with these nice people in the shop to pay for it. Now!"

And so it came to pass that our heroes were forced to work for McDonalds.

* * *

Meanwhile, Luke was schmoozing over the new shop owner, the lovely Belinda, and having a moral debate over whether to steal the book again. He told Belinda he was interested in the book, batted his eyelashes. And she sold the book to him for three bucks, instead of the fifty it was worth, considering it was a late 19th-century edition.

Then he stopped at the pet store, bought some bunny food, and returned to the community center, hoping the bunny food would be a sufficient apology to his friend Jake.

It was not.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ron was selling Muggle brooms with Bean, Han, Sam, and Marco. Being that Hermione's parents were evil, and didn't of their daughter marrying a wizard instead of a nice dentist, they were having him prove his love by paying for the entire wedding. Of course Ron thought that this was just an excuse so they wouldn't pay for Hermione's extravagant taste. But, of course, they'd never be able to pay for it.

"How much money do we need?" Bean asked.

"We're looking at least a hundred thousand galleons," Ron said sadly.

"Why don't we just turn Han in?" Marco suggested.

"Yeah, I have a price on my head," Han said.

"Well, I don't think he's worth more than five bucks on this planet," Ron said, shaking his head. "Consider the inflation his bounty has been through. 'Sides, he's a nice guy. And he offered to loan me the Millennium Falcon for the honeymoon."

"Sweet!" Sam said. "I should have used that for Rosie. Do you think she'd enjoy a ride in the Millennium Falcon?"

The others nodded.

"There's got to be a better way to do this," Bean said. "Let's go to Idaho and play the lottery. We might get lucky."

"But how will we know what numbers to pick?" Sam asked.

"I took a Divination class," Ron said. "We could read tea leaves, or a crystal ball or something."

"I hear fortune cookies are good for this kind of thing," Han suggested. "You guys hungry? We could go get Chinese. Mat and I smuggled money out of Rand's line of credit. He owed all money. A lot. And we were tired of waiting."

"Aren't you worried that would have taken him over his limit?" Marcos asked.

"Nah."

So they went to get Chinese.

* * *

It had been over an hour since our heroes had begun working at McDonalds and already Ender was ready to kill everyone in the restaurant. Especially the little brats demanding Hot Wheels and Barbie Happy Meals. At least he didn't have Jim's job, who was cleaning the men's bathroom.

Edmund went in to check on him. "How's it going?"

Jim was in the corner of a stall, rocking back and forth, staring at the water in the toilet bowl in horror.

Edmund sighed. "Come on. It looks clean enough, let's go. Our hour's up."

Because of minimum wage laws, they actually all got to buy meals AND the hamburger AND Susan's parfait AND a salad for Jake. They also picked up some random things for Yoda and Dorcas, basically everything from the dollar menu. They figured they could split it up later, and if they wouldn't eat it, Rand would cheat on his diet.

But just as they were about to leave the store, they heard a crash outside. Harry, somehow alive, had crashed spread-eagled, into the golden arches.

Susan ran outside, her nurturing instincts overpowering her. "We thought you were dead! We pushed you off the building as a sacrifice! Do you want us to get a ladder?"

Gravity did its thing, and Harry and his broomstick plummeted to the ground.

"Stupid Snape possessing my broom," he muttered. "You didn't kill me, I summoned my broom on the way down."

They picked Harry off the ground and dusted him off.

"Come on," Rand said. "We got a meal inside for you. But we have to eat in the play area; the dining area's full."

So they all moved their food into the play area, profusely apologizing to Harry about knocking him off the building, Harry mumbling about Unforgivable Curses.

Then something happened. A hooded figure, shrouded in mystery, arose from the ball pit. "Step away from the wizard," it said. "I repeat, step away from the wizard."

So they did. Harry panicked. Who was this strange man?

His question was answered.

"I am Schmendrick! The most powerful wizard you will ever meet! And my buddy Prince Lear claims that you killed the last unicorn!" Schmendrick sniffed and pulled out a hankie. "She was my friend! I… I saved her once! Wasn't a very good save. But enough with the crying. Prepare to be dispatched!"

Harry pulled out his wand, very glad he had been thinking of the Unforgivable Curses.

But before Harry could do a thing, the fight was over. Schmendrick was mobbed by a squealing pack of 12-year olds screaming "You don't touch our Harry! We love him!"

Harry felt a swelling in his heart. He was unsure of what this feeling was, but he was pretty sure he was feeling loved. For the first time in his life, he was actually loved.

So they all skipped happily back to the community center where they found Jake and Luke playing video games. Jake was winning. They were all impressed, as Jake had only bunny paws and no opposable thumbs. Then again, they were playing Dance Dance Revolution on pads.

Susan squealed at how cute the sight was. Dorcas was cooing as well.

"Look how he hops!" they sang.

Gandalf strolled into the room. "So, you guys finish your quest yet?"

"Yes!" Luke said. "Here! Here's all the stuff!"

And they pulled out all items, including Dorcas, who was offended at being called stuff.

"See?" said Rand. "We have a princess. Her name is Dorcas, by the way. And she's technically a Child-like Empress. But we figured it was close enough."

Gandalf snickered at her name. Dorcas looked confused.

"And we have the bunnies, and the book, and a cat and a hat in one book."

Gandalf raised an eyebrow at that one, but decided to let it go. He should have been more specific. His fault.

"And a weapon in the form of a can of Pam that should work once we get it fixed. Frodo broke it. And the hamburger, and the One Ring."

"And here all the five golden rings," Frodo said, handing them over in a egg-shaped plastic vending machine package.

"And Jim and I nearly got eaten by the little old lady we helped across the street," said Ender. "Want a cookie?"

Gandalf took one cautiously, wondering if it was poisoned. "What kind of little old lady eats people?"

"She said her name was Ooga Booga or Babe Ruth or something," Jim said, shrugging.

"And we planted a tree." They failed to mention it was not on Arbor Day. "And the dead wolf is in the fridge."

Gandalf stared. "And?"  
"And what?"

"Did you get the ghosts I asked for?"

"What ghosts?" Edmund asked.

Gandalf sighed. "The ones on the list, dummy!"

They all looked at Frodo. He pulled out the original, elf-scripted list. "Number 13: 13 ghosts. Eh, sorry guys. I guess I couldn't get past the One Ring." Frodo then passed out again.

Gandalf sighed. "Go get the ghosts. I'll be ready when you get back."

"But where are we going to get the ghosts?" Rand asked.

"I don't know. You figure it out."

Jake hopped over to the box of video games and pulled one out with his teeth. It was _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_.

"That's right!" Edmund said. "Link knows how to catch ghosts! Let's go bug Link!"

Susan stared. "You mean Link really exists!"

"'Course he does! We all do! Susan, he lives in the cul-de-sac with us! With Zelda!"

"Oh yeah! So that's who the nice couple who lives across the street from us is! We really should start going to the block parties."

"Maybe he has some to spare," Harry mused. "Let's go!" So the woke up Frodo and proceeded to Zelda and Link's house.

"Trick-or-Treat!" they all yelled.

Zelda came to the door. "My my! Is it Halloween already? You all have such scary costumes!"

"Not really," said Edmund. "It's not Halloween, we're just here to see Link."

"How do you know my husband?"

"I play his video games all the time! And we live across the street!"

"Oh yeah!" Zelda smiled. "We steal your morning newspaper! Honey! Can you pull yourself away from Evercrack long enough to chat with the neighbors?"

Link came, unshaven and looking very bored, to the door. "Yeah? Whaddya want? I'm in the middle of an RP, so can you hurry?"

"We need to borrow some ghosts," Jim said.

"How many? We keep them bottled up downstairs. Great for parties. You know, you could have just asked Zelda about this. She's down there cleaning more often than I am. I don't even know where she keeps them anymore. Which is pathetic, since I have to sleep down there have the time!"

Somewhere in the house came a wailing baby.

Zelda shook her head and put her hands on her hips. "Link, why don't you take these nice folks down to the basement, get them their ghosts while I take care of your child, and get back up here and help me for once! Sometimes I think you expect me to do everything."

"Yeah, well, I have to go out everyday and work for the man slaying monsters and battling evil in order to provide our family with a moderately nice life and those stupid chickens that chase me all the time! I'm the one paying the bills! And don't even get me started on that Ganondorf crap!"

"So you're whining about money right after you and bought that fancy new boat without telling me? It's not like you need it any way! It's not like you don't have the best equipment in the world!"

Link threw up his hands. "Do you have any idea how much time and money it took to track down all the crystals to save the world so you could have this year's anniversary present? Besides at least I haven't taken to piracy."

"You were a week late!" Zelda shrieked.

"After chopping down all those bushes to gather money? I'm not a shrubbier, Zelda, I'm a hero, damn it!"

Susan whispered to Frodo "Go get down and get the ghosts. I don't want to stay here in any longer."

So Frodo crept past the arguing married couple to the basement.

It was a like a castle dungeon down there. Complete with castle monsters. Apparently the basement wasn't kept up as nicely as the upstairs. This had to be Link's domain. There was even a fold-out couch. If that was what married life was, he wasn't sure he wanted it anymore.

The ghosts were against the wall, next to the dryer and the two-year supply of food. He began to gather up thirteen ghosts, one of each color. Sometimes two or three. He was just turning to leave when the monster struck…

Upstairs the other heroes heard thumping. The married couple was too busy arguing to listen, and it looked like Zelda had gone for a knife.

"Uh-oh," said Jim. "We should go see what's up."

"Well, someone needs to stay up here so they don't know we're gone," Rand said. "Ender, Jim. You're little, you go."

The boys were back in three seconds, ashen faced.

"Frodo!" Ender gasped. "He's…. He's… I think he's dead, guys!"

"Did he have any fairies down there?" Edmund asked. "The fairies will work."

Jim shook his head sadly. "I didn't see Wayne down there."

"Not those kind!"

Susan gasped. "Frodo!" She ran down the stairs, heart beating wildly inside of her. Not Frodo. Never Frodo!

There was blood everywhere. Or ketchup. Frodo was propped up against a shelf, clutching jars of ghosts, bleeding profusely.

"FRODO!" Susan cried. She held him in her arms, sobbing. "I'm sorry, Frodo. I never realized…"

Harry wandered down as discreetly as he could, scanning the shelves for fairies. All he could see where a case of ketchup bottles next to Frodo's head. But above came the gentle glowing light of a bottle of fairy. Carefully, he released the fairy, praying for a miracle.

It zoomed down, took one look at Frodo, shook its head, and climbed back into the bottle.

Susan wailed even louder. "My poor Frodo, I never told you how I felt!"

Frodo opened his eyes. "How do you feel?"

She smacked him.

"It's a miracle!" Ender shouted, coming down. "Hallelujuah, man!"

They carried the dazed but slightly happy Frodo upstairs along with the ghosts. Zelda and Link were in the kitchen now, throwing dishes at each other. At least, that's what it sounded like. The baby by now had cried his self back to sleep.

Susan leaned over to Edmund. "Maybe we should call social services. Or at least the police."

Edmund shook his head. "Nah, I'm sure they'll make up in a few hours, if you know what I mean."

Once they had left the cul-de-sac, they heaved a collective sigh, and headed back to the community center.

* * *

Yoda, Gandalf, Dorcasm and Jake were waiting at the community center playing DDR. Jake was winning, again. Gandalf looked a little tweeked because he used to be the DDR grand master, but no longer was. He blamed age and osteoporosis.

"We're back!" Edmund screamed as he ran in waving the thirteen bottles of ghosts. It had been his Zelda geek dream come true.

"It's about freaking time!" Gandalf yelled, ripping the DDR mat from the wall.

Somehow, even without the mat, Jake was still winning. "So you finally got the ghosts, and _Pride and Prejudice_. Man, I love that book. I especially like the end when Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy finally get it together. I hear they have a really nice house in England somewhere. I think I'll go visit them after this."

"I have a question," Harry asked. "You said this was quest therapy. I think I still have issues."

"Me too," the others echoed.

"And Jake too, especially Jake," Jim interjected. "What kind of sick alien race comes up with technology that only lets you change for two hours before rendering you in that same form for the rest of eternity?"

"Stupid Andalites," Luke added under his breath.

" So you want more therapy, huh? I'll show you more therapy! Dorcas! Bring forth the hotplate and the pan of doom!"

Dorcas stared at him, bewildered. "Huh?"

"Dorcas, over there in the corner. The hot plate. No, the one with the pan on it stupid!See? This is why we needed a princess. But no! You had to get a child-like empress. With a child like brain!"

Dorcas chucked both items directly at Gandalf's head. "CATCH!"

Fortunately for Gandalf, he was a wizard, and had great and masterful powers at his beck and call. After a sleek, Matrix-style dodge, he simply made them hover in the air, after Yoda had deflected them with the force. Dorcas swore loudly. The others gasped. Yoda went to reclaim his quarter from the jar.

Gandalf set up the hotplate and the pan and began putting the items they had gathered into the pan. All except the hamburger and the copy of _Pride and Prejudice_, which he saved for his later enjoyment. The first item was the book _The Cat in the Hat_. Susan mumbled something about library fines. Ender reminded her that the library had burned down, thanks to Luke.

Next he told Dorcas to fetch him three of the snow-white bunnies. He gave them kisses and cuddles as he broke their necks and tossed them into the pan, where they continued to writhe. Ender shielded Jake's eyes with one hand.

Gandalf then ordered Dorcas to fetch a pail of water. When she whined about it, he threatened to harm Yoda. She laughed in his face, after all the force is stronger than magic.Yoda reminded her that he was a pacifist, and asked her to please do as the crazy wizard said.

"What do you need water for? And why didn't you just ask for dead bunnies? They would have been much easier to get." Rand inquired.

"Because we likes them fresh and wriggling…Um…I mean I needed them to be extremely fresh…Um…yeah…that's it."

When Dorcas returned with the water, Gandalf shouted, "Bring forth the five golden rings!" Dorcas handed him the plastic eggs with the five knock off golden rings from the vending machine. Gandalf looked at them and sighed. The potion wouldn't be as potent without real gold, but it should still be enough.

Next he called for the weapon for defeating evil. Dorcas handed him the Pam bottle. Gandalf broke it open and emptied the contents into the pan. "Who's defeating evil now?" Gandalf cackled as pink sparkly smoke billowed from the pan. It was like a bad Barbie crack dream.

"Where's Baba Yaga?" Gandalf asked.

"Oh, we were supposed to help her across this street?" Ender and Jim looked very confused, and a little upset for having failed their portion of the quest.

Gandalf sighed and picked up his cell phone.

"Why did you send incompetent fools to help me across the street! You Idiot!" Gandalf held the phone away from his ear as more such screeches emanated from it.

"Well, I guess Dorcas will have to do," Gandalf sighed again as he pushed the end button.

It was time to extricate the wolf from the freezer. Our heroes struggled desperately to remove the wolf from his position next to the ice cream. Five hours and a blowtorch later, small chunks of the wolf were being tossed into the pan.

Next Gandalf tossed the One Ring into the pot. This was the key ingredient. It was the thing that would power its dark purpose. Gandalf laughed evilly.

"And now, the final ingredient! The thirteen ghosts!"

"Uh, Gandalf?" Susan asked, "What exactly is this supposed to do? And why didn't you put in the hamburger or Pride and Prejudice?"

"Cause I was hungry, had left my hamburger up there, and this is a good book. Besides, it will be pretty lonely for me once this potion is done."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm going to solve your problems with this little potion. He he he. Then you won't have to worry any more. It'll all be taken care of with magic. Isn't it great?"

The heroes relaxed. Except for Ender. He knew this wasn't part of the program. After all, he'd been through it before. A few times. But now he was better, and was only there to help the others. But this was not part of the plan. Something had gone horribly wrong. Gandalf had gone off the deep end. Again! He pulled out his cell phone and began dialing The Number. He moved off to the hallway where he wouldn't be disturbed or overheard.

Meanwhile, the other heroes watched expectantly as Gandalf stirred his brew. It smelled really bad. Like soggy books and burnt bunnies, with a metallic tang and that nasty stench of melting plastic. But this was magic. It wasn't supposed to smell good.

They all turned to the sound of doors slamming. They could hear the creak of wheels moving toward the vending machine. They all knew what that meant. Dennis. The vending machine re-fill guy. At that point it became a mad dash to see who could make it to the vending machine before Rand emptied it. Dorcas grabbed the swear jar, hitting the pan on her way past and spilling it's contents all over the floor. A wail filled the room.

"NOOOOOOOO! I was going to destroy you all! Now all I have are pot holes in the community center floor and burn marks clear through _Pride and Prejudice_!" Gandalf's screams followed them into the hall, but no one cared. They had the munchies and they had to beat Rand if they were going to get anything.

Just as our heroes had finally cleared out the vending machines, Neville and Snape came sauntering through the door, sporting their new white coats. They had only just gotten them yesterday from their new jobs at Happy Acres Giggle Farm. After a long a tearful conversation, they had put aside their differences and become partners to remove all the nutso people from the streets.

"Your response time is lagging." Ender yelled at them. "Last time I called Happy Acres it only took about ten seconds for them to show up.

Neville shrugged. "Give us a break, we're new at this."

"You'll never take me alive!" Gandalf screamed as he streaked into the hall wearing nothing but his hat.

Our heroes gasped in horror as they finally understood why they called Gandalf the white wizard.

"Come on," said Snape, "it's macaroni and cheese night."

"Yeah, we'll even give you a Popsicle if you come now," Neville chimed in.

"Ohhh, Popsicles." Gandalf sat down docilely.

"Hey Yoda, why didn't you call us?" Snape asked the little green man.

"Find him yourself you should. My job it is not."

"Why is it that he does this every time we let him out? Maybe we should just keep him this time." Neville mused. "I'm sick and tired of finding him trying to blow up people."

"But I thought you just started this job," Harry piped in.

"I'm just repeating what my boss always says about him. Besides, Snape used to work at Melody Meadows Home for the Criminally Insane, but it mysteriously exploded three month ago. I wonder if there is a connection."

"Nah" everyone said together.

So they wrapped up Gandalf in a hug-yourself jacket and off he went to his new home in solitary confinement. It would be all right, cause he would get the padded walls and everything.

And once again, our heroes were without a therapist. Yoda pulled out the rest of Mat's cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper and threw them a DDR party.

"Come back next week you should. Find a new therapist I will." Yoda picked up his cell phone and dialed Gondor.

Aragorn answered and laughed evilly from his throne. Ruling the world of men had gotten rather tedious. This would be fun.

* * *

_This would be the end, except that we also plan to do Ron and Hermione's wedding, so be on the look-out for that!_

* * *

_amieken: _Since you brought it up, no, Jake will probably not remain a bunny. But in Animorphs terminology, he is now a nothlit—trapped in a morph.

_Frosty Pickle Juice: _The problem is that we're both leaving for the semester.

_hydraspit: _See? It's Rand's fault, everything with the girls!

_Lady Kazaana: _I think Rand's in his early twenties…

_Lady Meriadoc_: Thanks!

_Pscho Faerie: _Thanks!

_xPussyWIllowKittenx: _Pam is a kind of cooking spray. And yes, Rand's credit card won't last long.


End file.
